Fade to Black

Over the past weekend, I was going through some old videos, mainly to show some select items to two friends. One of them was prominently involved in my college career so all the videos held old memories and significance for him too. The other friend in the room didn't share those times with us so she was mostly bored out of her mind. Still, I did manage to find a few things that involved her generation of college friends so it kind of worked out. We laughed and pointed out little details, even taking screenshots of one of the videos to send to another friend, who was wearing a sleeveless t-shirt tucked into his khaki pants during a dance performance. It's the kind of thing you didn't notice eight years ago but makes you laugh deliriously now.

The last time I dug through these boxes was almost exactly a year ago, and I still haven't gotten around to digitizing everything. After my friends left for their drive back up to Los Angeles, I sat around for another hour or two continuing to go through the tapes. It was weird to go back and pick up new things. I started noticing people in the videos that I hadn't realized were in there before. I mean, like, people I was obviously around back then but whom I didn't know as well as I do now. So I sat there studying the tapes with a fresh perspective. I tried to divine as much as I could while trying to gain a better understanding (just a little) of the interactions I was watching on-screen. I tried to reconstruct a little part of history. I tried to find some truth in those videos, as if they would reveal more in their five minute segments than anything I could be told in retrospect now.

I'm not sure if things work that way. But it's like reading about and imagining dinosaurs versus watching a video of them move and walk. It's the encyclopedia versus Jurassic Park. One seems more visceral and closer to the truth, even if neither truly are.

I wished I had more behind the scenes footage. I wish I had kept the camera on longer, even though it was probably annoying to have it lurking everywhere. One twenty minute segment in particular, taped after a dance practice, was amazing because it captured the group just hanging out afterwards. While this stuff usually makes me sad and nostalgic, this time around it made me feel like I was watching a funeral. Sure, I miss those times, but I also realized how some of the friendships have since severed or fallen apart.

As friendships fade, (de-)evolve, and stiffen over time, you tend to forget the amazing times you had. There's a sharp bittersweet moment watching certain people on-screen that makes you think, "Shit, we were like pretty close. Like really close. And here's the evidence." And you wonder if watching that footage would bring forth the same feelings in the other person.

Then there's the flip side. I've been digging through some old pictures Michelle has lying around. I realized that pictures are capable of telling so many half-truths and mostly-lies. Two people look like best friends because they are smiling and hugging each other fiercely. In truth, you know they were never that close. But if that was the only snapshot you saw, you could easily imagine them being friends for life. Pictures seem to capture way too little information in these cases. The conclusions you jump to were way too easily manipulated and constructed.

I wonder, if you had a lot of footage of your past, if you could also construct things as easily as with pictures. Or would the nature of video illuminate too much?

I told Babbs a few years ago that I'd like to be a historian. But just a personal historian and a historian to the lives of my friends and family. I could dwell on and unravel the past all day long. I'd happily wade through forty minutes of boring ass video waiting for three seconds of a magical moment. But that seems to be a significant waste of time when the future is just waiting around the corner. Doesn't it?