The Safety of Objects

Oh love at first sight. It's so damn magical mythical isn't it? Can you tell I just came back from watching Twilight? All those long tortured stare downs between Edward and Bella. Goodness gracious. Part of you just wants to scream "Get it on!" but the other part of you wants to drag those delicious moments out forever.

Most everyone has had an experience like that in their past, when you just knew that you and someone special should get together. That's what usually happens to me. Not that I look at someone and feel like we are destined for each other, but within the first minutes of our interaction, I can pretty much already figure out if I like this person. I'm not a wishy washy type of liker. I just know. The most honest and dramatic instance of this was probably with my last ex. It certainly wasn't like we saw each other and fell in love but afterwards we both admitted to this instant chemistry that was different than just simple attraction.

From our first fleeting interactions to when she actually started hanging out with us/me, there was this clear and undeniable sense that we were definitely going down the path of romance. It's an addictive feeling. Embarking on those first few weeks (or hours) of hanging out and finding yourself falling in love -- if not actually in love in love -- and having every moment and spare thought directed toward the other person. That's what relationships are all about right? Wanting to be with someone so much that everything else fades into the distance? That's the magic of it anyway.

I'm a bit notorious for smothering the object of my affection with attention in the first few months. I lather up the attention, I present this incredibly fun and devoted side, and then I get the girl, thus portending a long gradual slide into inattention and problems. So that initial burst of enthusiasm, if you can call it that, never sustains itself. Not for lack of trying but something in my nature is always looking for that next big hit, the rush that can really only come about from having new people and relationships.

"Hey girl how you doing
Do you feel like talking?
Or do you need me to call you back
You from round what way and when's your birthday
Or what's your zodiac sign
Well I'm a Virgo so my sign's compatible
What you do for fun cause I don't drink or club
I just like to chill with somebody like you

Everything is cool when love is all brand new
Cause you're learning me and I'm learning you"
-Musiq Soulchild, Newness-

What I'm learning though, as reflection on a long string of failed relationships, is that the initial rush combined with attraction doesn't have to equate to relationship. In fact, I'm sort of deciding that being in the zone of just really admiring and loving that grey space is perhaps all I need. It keeps me on edge. Like the possibility of something happening, along with the safety of having nothing happen, might work out best for me. Looking at it that way, I'm faced with confusion about what a workable relationship is anymore.

I'd rather not repeat mistakes of the past but I find myself unable to get excited about dating someone without that rush. I mean, I fear that the pace I'm historically used to will lead to the exact same dead ends. I've been told that maybe the issue is that I need to be dating someone who can continually excite and stimulate me. Once that newness wears off, I need to be sure that the person I'm in a relationship with can continually makes things fresh. But that goes against everything I know and understand about relationships.

It seems to me like relationships are mostly about building and maintaining your own two person island. The trees go here, Thursdays go there, the moat is this deep and this wide, and the whole point of it is to be in familiar space. Relationships are about building a safe place and comfort. To step away from that paradigm is not only new territory but also something I don't really have a roadmap for.

Examples is what I need, I need examples of relationships that aren't insular by creation. Or maybe I just need to watch more Twilight.