Crash

Listening to: Bonnie "Prince" Billy, covering R.Kelly's "World's Greatest."

Tonight I spent time in the company of two close friends, but in such incredibly different ways. The first one was just a brief dinner, downtown with her, her friend, and her boyfriend. We ate pizza, drank wine, admired his cat's climbing abilities, and generally talked about Halloween and the Midwest. This particular friend represents a very important person in my life but at the same time, I have a hard time sometimes gauging exactly when/how we're close. There are things I'd inconvenience myself to do for this friend that I'd rarely do for others but a lot of that has to do with the fact that I've just decided I want to be this way for her. Like somewhere along the way in our friendship I've decided that I'd just be this person, ready and willing to say "Yes" to anything.

Now, does that mean that our friendship would falter if I wasn't like this? I don't know. Does it seem to go against tenets I've set up around my other friendships? Sort of. Truth to tell, oftentimes we're as much out of touch with each other's lives as acquaintances and there are times when it feels we are that exactly distant. From the outside looking in, I think other people would hardly know that we were friends, much less close ones. Only after repeated verbal and life affirmation would this fact be clear.

There's quite a bit of history to our friendship, much of it forged years ago and that's something that's always stood very prominently in my mind. And in a way, it gives me this foundation to unquestioningly depend and revel in this friendship, even when it seems like there are hardly any things to say at times.

The rest of my night was spent walking Coronado beach, with feet bare and frozen by the cold sand, and eventually settling on a life guard tower to smoke and talk. It's been a difficult time with this friend, my declared best friend, and we haven't seen or talked much to each other recently. In contrast to my experience earlier that night, there was a lot to say, and a lot of situational comfortability, but also this pervasive sense of not really knowing what we could and wanted to talk about.

I'd forgotten recently that the beach had always been our place. Dating back to high school, our typical hang out would consist of me picking her up, grabbing some coffee and cigarettes, and then heading to the nearby beach to catch up. The rhythm of our friendship was consistent for many years. No shared friendships, no cross-over lives, just simply see each other once or twice a year to talk -- and for me, solve.

Recently that rhythm has changed, to include hanging out or talking nearly daily and now that that rhythm has changed, the friendship is under a bit of strain. It hasn't been easy. But aside from that, in comparing the two experiences, one impersonally personal, the other personally impersonal, I couldn't help thinking about how these two friends represent very distant points on my friendship model and if there was something lacking in both.

Or something lacking in how I've been keeping all friendships. How is it that two people, both considered to be very close to me, can exist in such separate spaces in my life and in my interactions with them? And why do I have such trouble detailing those things to either of them? Or more accurately, verbalizing and identifying what I want/need from one, and what I can/can't give to the other?