Blast from the Past

"and to answer the 'are we still at odds' portion of the email. the quick answer is no. however, driving home was no joy. i tried to defend my miscommunication, but then i gave up. she gets real agitated when we talk about this stuff. i haven't known her long enough, or well enough, to understand why she gets the way she does when talking about such things. we were nominally okay but she didn't seem like she was having a great day. and then on tuesday, we were trying to discuss going to eat or not eat or something. and i was somewhat snippy and rude (for just one second, and one statement). she wasn't happy about that. but she coughed it down. and then i addressed it later. so far i think she's cried, or i've made her cry, a total of five or six times since sunday. then on wednesday she told me that she didnt want to hang out that night (we were all to go to a friend's for a pizza/grammy's thing) because she was in a funk, sad, and didn't know what to do.

of course, i had also said things to her like 'its really hard for me to care about someone, and it's been interesting to try.' i think she's wondering why i have to try to care, why someone doesn't just automatically care. anyway, i was for sure that once the decline happens, it's irreversible. and maybe it is. this could be much more detailed than you wanted to know. the end of the story is that we're not at odds really but there's much to discuss. and i'd also like to sweep the last week under the carpet, but i don't think i want to.

i've given a lot of thought to how much i distance myself from people, and not just in relationships. i can't figure out how or why. i think i seem like i'm pretty close and open to just about everyone, and i am, but on an almost superficial-ish level. and i'm finding out that during this so called relationship, that i'm so much more aware of my motivations and reactions to everything. like i'm so clear about everything.

do you want someone more or less sassy than you? assuming 'sassy' is a good way to describe yourself (which is not how i would describe you, but just humor me). would you constantly be trying to out-sass someone if you went out with someone who was sassier than you? basically i'm wondering if you'd want to be with someone who had less than, equal, or more personality than you (at least outwardly)."
-Feb 2006-