i'm like a bird, i just evaluate

for some reason, every girlfriend i've had during my blog era has consciously decided to avoid my blog(s). some of them -- just three total, so "some" could wrongly imply a much larger number here -- begin by persuing it a bit, they want to know what it's all about, they get into it a little bit and they read avidly for a month or so. but in an inverse correlation, the further we go into the relationship, the less they like the blog. they're not always anti-blog, they're just anti personally reading it.

i've always been slightly confused by this. the reasons i've been given, or have figured out post relationship, is that this here blog always causes us to fight. invariably, something i'll say in it will set off a minor (and then major) argument. this two-act play is acted out to varying degrees depending on the girlfriend in question. i hardly say anything controversial here, much less incendiary and fight worthy. i've never fought with anyone else about anything on here, that's for sure.

i understand that nobody would want to read someone else's blog all the live long day. that would not only be time consuming but absolutely boring. we all have our own lives to lead, we only indulge in other people's when we have the time. or when we're at work.

so i'd never begrudge a girlfriend for not wanting to read anything i've got up and around. i mean, to be quite honest, most of it has nothing to do with us and if there's a chance that an entry could lead to a potential misunderstanding or argument, i'm fine with them avoiding the blog out of principle and goodwill. i do go out of my way to keep my specific relationship gripes, concerns, joys, etc out of this blog. many times i've wanted to just vent with details and situations, but i avoid it out of respect for them.

i'll transpose a version of myself (or other people's situations) on here when i talk about relationships, and generally the thoughts i express on the topic are hardly the stuff dream boyfriends are made of, but i'd hope that there's an understanding that it's not exactly me talking. i mean, it's me, but it's not me. the blog represents a side of me, and i'd like to think, a very one or two-sided dimension. i'm much more considerate (and funner) in person, really. cough.

still, this blog's been around forever. i'd conservatively say that 25% of my life is wrapped around something related to blogs. be it reading, writing, following, updating, pushing, pimping. and given that it's a pretty big part of my life, it seems totally weird to me that a signifcant other would choose to totally ignore it. and i'm not talking about just this. i mean, like everything. public blogs, private blogs, journal blogs, fun blogs, stupid blogs, faux blogs, o.p.b. (other people's blogs). i find that weird. it's like by association, all blogs have been sullied by my dirty name.

it's nice to have a space to myself, and i mostly could care less if a specific person (girlfriend or friend) reads this or anything else, but say i had a significant other who was voluntarily immersed in something that took up twenty-five percent of their mind and time power; wouldn't that sort of pique the interest once in awhile?

i've been told that maybe it's just too hard to keep up. i'm all over the place (not in a good way) in conversations, in emails, in blogs, in life. so maybe it's just too hard to bother keeping up with it all. which is fine, no problem. i'm the last person to complain about being the victim of an attention deficit relationship. but when complaints are lodged about my lack of talking and revealing and sharing, i stand there and think "what're you talking about? all my shit is public (or if it's private, they have it). what do you mean by i'm not sharing?"

i, like many of the bloggers i love to read, have had a blog for years. it's outlasted friends, jobs, cities, countries, relationships, clothes, hairstyles, everything. it's a written record, a time capsule, of those times. it's not rah-rah exciting, particularly relevant, or a pre-requisite for dating me, but when engaged in a relationship, wouldn't this qualify as a treasure trove of (skewed) insight and information? maybe that's just too much information though; some people prefer starting with a blank slate.

anyway, i have quite a few theories about why this happens; or seems to always happen. i'll have to expound on them at another time. for now, i'm just wondering for those people out there who blog a lot, do your signifcant others regularly tune in? or they leave this blog space as your sovereign territory? and heck, which would be better?

maybe it's too much of a shortcut to just send everything onto public or private blogs. perhaps signifcant others prefer that they can have ownership of things, thus they'd rather not be aware of the things that are constantly made public? what you share you do not have; which can be disconcerting when it seems like that might leave you with nothing? i don't know.

hey, that's one theory right there.