bofa (deez). stunningly, in a mere fifteen minutes, i was ushered red carpet style onto the treadmill of adulthood. today, i got a bank account. i've lived bank-less and credit-less for about six years now. no checks, no debit cards, no atms, no credit cards, nothing. once, a friend said that she thought highly of me for daring to take a stance against our credit-based society. of course i corrected her and told her that was i not exactly voluntarily rebelling against the system.

in fact, i've been on chex systems all of this time. if you don't know what chex systems is -- and many people in the banking industry don't even know what it is -- it's akin to the lowest level of hell. once on chex systems, it's incredibly hard to acquire a bank account and/or a credit card. leasing a car, renting an apartment, all pretty much an impossibility.

how have i survived this long without a bank account? well, there is my really advanced banking "system" which has for many years consisted of a cinder block located by my bed. the top portion of the cinder block is petty cash, the lower part is savings. not exactly the safest or most secure way to hold onto your money. any checks i've had to write or anything i've had to buy online, i've had to ask either (a) mom (b) sister (c) friends. you can imagine what a pain in the ass i am about it too.

and none of this is undeserved either. i'd always been bad with bills, taking care of responsibilities and that kind of thing. although i do have a semi-defense here. when my bank went down with the world trade center (and leading eventually to my leaving the new york / new jersey area), i didn't close out my bank account. guess what? there was some money left owed to the bank. a few trips to china and england later, whereupon i never received notice of my impending doom, i was on chex systems -- for up to seven years.

i've been a banking nomad for all of these years. any time i'm paid by a job or an individual, i have to go stand in line at the teller and go cash my check with that specific bank. each time i do that, they charge me a fee to cash my check. and of course, they ask "so, do you want to start an account with us?" then i reply that i'm on chex systems and they look knowingly at me, shake their disapproving heads, and just hand me the cash.

on the plus side, i always had lots of big bills in my wallet and now i know the best places to break 100s -- gas stations. some of the ancillary "benefits" of not having a credit or debit card is that my gas tank is almost never full and i get such sheer joy out of seeing a full tank of gas. life's little pleasure for me.

it's hard to gauge how much money you'll need to deposit to get near full, and then to walk back and wait in line for the change is just too much trouble so i never do it. some would say that being on chex systems and having no bank account (or financial responsibility) is too much trouble. details, details..

anyway, the joy i felt today today, when i finally got a bank account (and a healthy credit card maximum), almost brought me to tears. here i was, a grown man finally being offered a chance to redeem himself for sins committed in the past. here was a checkings account with all the trimmings and no restrictions. i felt like a man blessed. thank you bank of america. i know everyone says washington mutual is better, but because you gave me this chance at eternal salvation, i will stick with you bofa. i may not always be fiscally responsible but i am loyal. that's gotta count for something right? oh if only my father could see me now...