big league chew. when did gum make the change from candy to breath freshener? gum is probably the number one cause for my continuing battle with cavities -- well if you discount gummies, chocolates, skittles, cakes, pies, and genetics. if gum is hurting me, why not give it up you say? well that would require me to give up smoking, and giving up two nasty habits at once is just too much to ask for in one lifetime.

is it true that sugarless gum doesn't give you cavities? or that trident actually helps your teeth? i have a tough time believing any of that hogwash. gum is gum, it's not good for you. gum is candy.

but gum has seen its role in our society change drastically in the last decade or so. it's no longer candy. remember when bubblelicious was hot? or a yard of gum or whatever that was? bazooka joe, of course, has never lost its place on our shelves or in our hearts. these bubble gums were powdery, pink, sweet, and designed for maximum bubbling. children and teenagers chewed gum, adults ate three squares a day.

i recall trident trying to brand itself as the gum that was good for you, but everybody knew that trident wasn't really gum anyway. every parent i knew only offered trident, and if that wasn't enough of a turn off, the unappealing packaging killed any remaining desire for gum. carrying a five pack of wrigley's -- the staple gum-- was way cooler than being caught with trident. imagine the shame.

wrigley's, even with appealing flavors like spearmint and double mint, probably sold more juicy fruit than anything else. people wanted sweet juicy goodness out of their gum, not anti-tartar and blah blah blah. boo on trident.

gum suffered a bit of a down phase for me somewhere around high school. there was no need to chew gum then. i was too young to smoke, too oblivious to know that having fresh breath might help you "score," too uncool to carry juicy fruit in my pocket. gum kind of took a backseat to my other candy fixations. whatchamacallits and baby ruths were my trusty tooth decayers then.

the fat packs of gum never really appealed to me. although i did enjoy flicking a piece of gum out of the fatpack, it's like flicking a zippo but less dangerous (albeit slightly less awe-inducing). plus i got quite good at gum wrapper origami. i followed in the footsteps of the masters and made creative designs like "silver ball" and "silver stick." sometimes "silver ball tenously attached to silver stick" depending on how many wrappers were available. it was more impressive than it sounds.

then, maybe four years ago, hard chew gum started to appear in plastic packs with individual pieces encased in poppable bubbles. what an innovation and a triumph of design and engineering. gum could now be kept in your pocket for weeks, without fear of staleness or squishing. you could now sit on your gum without ruining the crisp corners of the packaging. gum was given an indefinite pocket life. pretty amazing technological advance i'd say. an ancillary benefit of this modern gum was that you stopped finding exploded pieces of sticky crap in your pants pocket after doing the laundry.

gum was also imbued with super strength along with super packaging. quaint minty names was suddenly replaced by monikers like "winter-super-blast" or "artic-avalanche-chill." do you remember chewing your first piece of this newfangled gum? i do. i mean, i couldn't taste shit for the next day. you would chew a piece of gum and have tears come out of your eyes. it was ridiculous. but people liked it. i liked it. i was never without gum after this.

i think my nickname among friends is "hey, you got any gum?" i would buy a box of dentyne gum at costco and be set for months. me and gum have had a good working relationship since the advent of the hard pack. like a druggie or a prudent cigarette smoker, i would hide almost finished packs of gum in my glove compartment, in my man-purse, everywhere, just in case i was in a gum jam somewhere down the line. i would mentally run checklists of how much gum i had left at any time. i sometimes carried backup gum for my backup gum.

out of desperation, i've even bought gum for the outrageous price of $1.29. what a rip off. think about it, gum used to cost about the same as gas before this whole three dollar gas bullshit started happening. you could drive for seventeen miles city -- or twenty five highway -- for the price of a pack of gum. then again, would you rather drive an extra twenty miles or have fresh breath? no question, fresh breath.

anyway, my point is this. the gum pendulum is starting to swing back towards sugary mixes and soft chews. i see ads on tv for gums that are both sweet and sour at the same time. "winter tsunami" has been slowly challenged by "jungle jam" or "very berry blast." i'm against this soft pack gum stuff, i'm pro the return to gum that tastes good. i think i may even go in for some juicy fruit, to make up for my middle school un-coolness, but the updated juicy fruit logo and packaging really bothers me. i'd prefer a vintage juicy fruit look -- if such a look exists. wrigley's shouldn't be attempting to appeal to the new generation of gum chewers, instead, they should be courting the people who grew up with double and spear mint. bring back those twins commercials i say. i think i'm deciding now to be a wrigley's guy. well, wrigley's for pleasure, dentyne and "armageddon ice" for post-cigarettes.

on the wrigley's website, listed under "benefits of gum" is the following: improves concentration, eases tension, freshens breath, provides a low-calorie snack, and helps fight tooth decay. bullshit. gum doesn't improve concentratoin or ease tension. people get yelled at for chewing gum, getting yelled at is never good for the concentration. and a low-calorie snack? really? i've never heard anyone say "i'm hungry but this piece of gum will tide me over." as for that tooth decay thing, go talk to my dentist. or check out my x-rays.

on a side note, japanese gum has always retained its classic shapes and tastes. round and fruity with a three second burst of flavor. and then totally useless. this is still the best candy gum by far. things like "melon flavor" just don't do well here in the states do they? i wonder why that is. are americans just not that big into melons? shame.

i think i've totally underestimated the role that gum has played in my life. how unappreciated it must feel. i'm sorry gum. i'll make it up to you.

ps. they sell vintage candy online. i can't decide if this is great or disgusting.