move bitch, get out the way. having been exposed today -- by the mle -- to a contest of tremendous insight and hilarity, i have been inspired to make my own. how do you compete with your friends without a scoring system? it's impossible. so i propose my scoring method for the "bitch list game". even if you don't know how to play, you know how to play. everyone, step right up. the highly coveted position of head bitch is always up for grabs so what better way to level the playing field than to have an objective standardized scoring system so that the fans at home can follow along? brilliance comes in many packages but bitches only come like this. cue the music mr dj, it's time to party.



this is how it works. each month, you sit down with all your favorite friends and go over the transgressions of the past four weeks. anyone and everyone is invited to the session but only the boys are given points. girls are useful in this forum because they lend perspective and have elephantine memories. remember, these examples are just guidelines, feel free to add your own.



(1) - the disappearing phone call is worth one point. the phone rings, owner of cell phone exits the room, two hours later, he emerges. one point. a point is also assessed if the number of calls from one girl matches or exceeds three within a two hour time frame. entertainment points are awarded for how quickly the guy jumps to snatch his phone. one point is also awarded if conversations are inevitably steered toward the direction of the girl in question. the first time is okay, the second time is not. the third time, nobody's even listening to you anymore. nothing is more annoying than hearing about how processed cheese suddenly relates to "her". one point is assessed for each "arrrgh" of frustration uttered when bad things are happening between the two of you. "arrrrghs" can also be "what do i do!" or some similar phrase. going out of the way to pick a girl up, bitch count one. going over three hundred miles out of the way to give a girl a ride, we can pretty much stop the game at this point. you take high honors. when you are beckoned (via look, finger, or yelling) and you go, one point.



(2) - planning to go meet up with your boys, you get sidetracked and can't meet up due to girl drama. score two. actually go out with your boys but ignore them, and all other friends, all night long in pursuit of women, count the bucket. also applies to shirking responsibilities in order to see a girl. if one of your friends has to pick up the slack for you because of some girl related distraction, two points. boy meets girl on friday night, boy disappears for the week, dropping off the face of the planet, not returning phone calls or emails. deuce. being emotionally unstable and sad because you can't see the object of your affection? despite fun events going on right around you? bucket. going somewhere (like a club) just because your girl might/will be there? two more. if she tells you to not do something and you don't do it, two points. example: she says, stop talking to those girls and you stop. score two for the home team.



(3) - all of your friends go out -- be it special occasion or just a boys night out -- and you stay in to do something chick flicky. three points. bringing your girl to an occassion that is strictly not meant for them, thus ruining the all guy vibe and dynamic, three points. being caught in a place you would never normally be (a ballet perhaps? this depends on the male in question), only because she wants you to go? three for spree. threes pointers are reserved for those special bitch moves that just cause everybody else to go "i cannot believe he's ditching out on us right now, what the hell?"



the "and one" rule. a special two point case is made when a guy is sitting around waiting for the girl to decide what to do. his plans are left on hold while he is left on hold. this kind of wishy washiness is two points. however, there is a foul shot opportunity here. if he ends up going out with the guys (due to whatever reason), he only gets two points. if the girl suddenly makes up her mind and he goes running off to her with tongue wagging, we have what is known as the "and one" situation. score two for the bucket, one for the foul, three points total.



far and away rule. every time you go visit somebody, say over fifty miles away, that's one point. each consequetive time you do that? it's exponential. you've driven to mexico three times to see your girl? that's one point, two points, four points.



the tuck rule. "oh ooh. when you finally make an appearance with your buddies because you and your girl got in a tiff." this one is from the lil'ho. worth two.



the multiplier. say you just did a bitch move, but you don't want anybody to know. so you lie about it, or keep it hidden. suddenly, it is revealed that you went to go do something girl-related when you had told everybody else that you were "just tired and going home". this multiplies all of your points that week by two. you will get more bitch points for lying because we do not reward liars here. kills the integrity of the game.



coming tomorrow, the "how good of a boyfriend are you" test. actually girls, you can just use this bitch scoring system to figure out how good of a boyfriend he is. this system is reversible. amazing.