masticate. even if it's done alone, it's still good for you. i'm a big eater. not literally, although i have been known to surprise. despite my inferior size, my buffet eating skills would astound you. man mountains have crumbled before the fury of my snail paced eating habits. much like the ever clever parable of the tortoise and the hare, at the end of the buffet line, i simply win. now, why do i eat so slow? there are a number of factors. for one, i tend to talk when i'm eating. if there's a decent conversation going on, i like to engage in it. for two, i like to eat things that come in different colors, tastes, and textures. all at the same time. beer before liquor will make you sicker but dessert before dinner will make you a winner. that was a terrible rhyme. apologies. this taste test method of eating is slower than just concentrating on one item to the exclusion of all others. diversity is slower than bigotry you know? i have no idea what that means. anyway.



i am also a slow chewer. you are supposed to chew your food like twenty times before swallowing. i think i definitely do that. we are not four stomached bovines, we need to chew homo saps. munch munch. many of my more anxious peers just bite and swallow. no foreplay at all. everything is quick quick quick. take your time guys, enjoy the taste of what you're eating. she'll love you more for it afterwards. what am i talking about? right. food is not just for stuffing your face with, it's a treat to eat. this rhyming thing is not going away.



aside from the talking and the chewing, there is something even more fundamental that explains my slow eating habits. namely, i try to keep clean. egads! keep clean while eating? incroyable. incredible. improbable. inconceivable. insurmountable. insurrectious. insanelyfectious. inserthere. interesting. let me tell you why i like to keep clean while eating -- as if the advantages of this simple habit wasn't clear to you already. the number one goal of eating is to not gross out the people around you. if you have nobody else around you (haha, loser), you can eat how you please. i will neither comment nor complain. after all, even i have been known to put too much into my mouth at times. but only when i'm positive that no conversations or wandering eyes will be coming my way. i'm a closet big biter. there, i've said it.



but when in public and in most social situations, it's very important to keep clean while eating. i find it very necessary to use the lap napkin. look! a perky perfect square for wiping your filthy hands with! also doubles as an ideal crotch protector to prevent embarrassing bits of food from clinging to your...crotch. but one napkin will not do the trick. one hooker might, but one napkin will not. you need at least two napkins. why an extra napkin you ask? the extra's for wiping your mouth with silly. after each bite, or maybe two if you're daring, wipe your mouth. give it a good once over. not too much because you'll be back there again. after all, don't want any chapping or chafing do we? remember to position the napkin so that any food bits caught in the "face napkin" will not drop out of your control after you wipe. a haphazard wipe could result in flocks of food flying through the air and coming to rest on your neighbor. the horror. by using a careful mouth wiping technique, you can be assured that no unsightly things will remain on your face. except for, of course, your face.



the worst kind of food "crustys" or "smears" is chocolate. something about the unkempt sight of a chocolate stain on the corner of somebody's lips just makes me go crazy. i just want to reach right over and punch that chocolate off. gently of course. as if i could punch any other way.



another key aspect of eating and looking clean is to take small bites. this should be obvious. the more controlled the bite, the more controlled the nuclear fallout. no giant bites followed by an avalanche of unchewed food dropping to the plate. just bite what you can chew and be patient. nobody likes to see a giant ball of food being saliva-ed in front of them. the chipmunk cheek action is not cool. take smaller bites. the food is not going anywhere. we transitioned away from a hunting/gathering society for a reason. all bets are off if there is a limited amount of food though. if survival is on the line, stuff your face, stuff your pockets, and swallow without chewing. oh, huge point. close your mouth while chewing. i don't even have to get into this one. or do i? let's hope not. and never ever chew and talk at the same time. in some countries that'll get you shot. sadly one of those countries is not the united states.



there are many more advanced "moves" and strategies that i could share with you concerning clean eating habits. but i feel like i lost you somewhere between the mcdonalds and the red light district. you are probably scurrying off trying to find some food of your very own to practice my handy tips. so before you go, remember to chew swallow spit. and always always wash your hands after you eat. and try not to leave any evidence of your dirty deeds on your chin or elsewhere. that's just disgusting.



and i prefer it when people tell me when i have food in my teeth or on my face. this happens to me probably less than the uncommon leap year but it's been known to happen. so feel free to tell me to wipe. i'll do the same for you. deal?