The blogging community has slowed to a crawl. Half the bloggers are here in Southern California bumming out for a few days. Connie, Chrissy, Anna and Eric came in on the 26th but i didn't see them until they came down on Thursday to go out to C Lounge. On Friday i went to pick up Helen from LAX. That night we all went out to Le Prive, the newer Korean club that i've never been to and there were tons of people. Le Prive is like five times as nice as Velfarre and much bigger and is definitively the nicest club i've been out to. It looked kind of like a music video spot because the dance floor had lights embedded in them. Mike Song and a few of his friends came out. A few of Victor's friends from LA came...Babbs had some friends come....George's friends came for a second...SD friends(Des, Adam, Jimma, Jimmy, Stacey) came. It was also Christina's birthday and she happened to be celebrating at Le Prive. We had maybe 25-30 people and we dropped a ton of money but it was a really good time.



The next couple of days we ran up and down between Irvine and San Diego, stopping to eat, sleep and play games. That's pretty much all we've done but it hasn't been boring for even one bit. Mass sleepovers, caravaning in packs, trying to get restaurant seating for millions. Trying to stay up but always failing. The one thing that has changed over the past year or so on these trips is that as we get a little older, the tendency for most of us to drop off into slumber is increasing. Many yawns were heard and many naps taken, regardless of noise or locale.

I was also fortunate enough to attend the wedding of a friend this Sunday on Catalina Island. Me and Connie took a boat trip out to the island (a very expensive boat trip) and i forgot that she gets seasick but luckily she was pretty much okay riding there and back. Catalina is supposed to be exquisitely beautiful and i had heard alot about it so i was kind of excited about going out there. That plus the fact that this was the first "MY friend" wedding that i would attend made me look forward to the experience. As it turned out, the day was overcast and it rained during the service, which was kind of sad but also kind of unique and i found an odd romantic bent to the rain. I also uncharacteristically felt pretty moved by the power of watching two people say their vows and dedicate their lives to each other. Catalina reminded me alot of Capri, with it's high hills and little colorful buildings along the boardwalk and up the slopes. On a sunny day i think Catalina would be a pretty dope place to spend the day.



The wedding was alot smaller than i anticipated and it was a little strange because i felt incredibly out of place among only twenty or so people, most of whom were family and relatives. The whole vibe of the dinner made me feel like i was at one of my family's Christmas or New Year's parties. I felt quite honored actually to be included as a guest among so many relatives. One highlight of the night was meeting a friend of Jimmy's from UCLA (he was a cousin of the bride) and we exchanged stories of Jimmy's life in SD and LA.



Anyhow, thanks to Jill for inviting me and congratulations to Mr and Mrs Daniel Dubbeld.

And along that same vein, people who are less talented and virtuous should not expect or obligate the assistance of others either. The rights of everyone should be observed. Being more talented and capable does not mean that one's individual rights and desires are to be forfeited.

I am hoping to take the next couple of days as an interlude between playing. I'm trying to unpack my boxes from New York, re-pack for England and China, and to take care of my responsibilities before i resume playing again. All this is ideally going to happen before Friday night but i'm not so sure it will. I hate how i always kind of try to cram everything into a tail end of a trip and then i end up not getting to spend enough time with anyone and am always left with the feeling that i ditched them or was irresponsible to them. I always assume that i have so much time leftover but i stop now and think about it and i'm once again at the saturation point of things to do and i don't want to just cram people and things into a few days.



Well, that's something to work on i suppose. Anyway, i got a chance to catch up with Mary tonight as we went out with Adam and Jimma to get coffee at the Living Room. I'm always a little surprised at the number of Asians swarming around California because i think for so long i've been used to being in Michigan and New York, where Asians don't represent the majority unless you're at an Asian spot and you expect to see mostly Asians. It does make me glad to have experienced that "Asians are a minority" feeling but at the same time it makes me a little wary because i think i'm getting a little too accustomed and comfortable to gearing my attention towards whatever Asians happen to be in the vincinity. It's so easy in California to be amongst Asians everywhere that i find myself often slightly uncomfortable at bars or something where the majority of people aren't Asian.

I don't know...it's difficult for me to wrap my mind around the duality of social responsibility and individual obligation. Leaning in one way or the other kind of dramatically alters the landscape of life.



"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."

-Thomas a Kempis-



Everyone is weak and no one is perfect. Taking that into account, no one should have the authority to take selfish desires above the rights of others.

It's no one's fault, but you have to admit that some people are just more talented and virtuous in comparison to the majority of people. Those people should be given free reign to create what they wish to create.

Can you truly be "better" though? I mean, its easy to pass judgement when you compare one facet of a person to another but everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. If a person's strength just so happens to be not as useful from a societal standpoint, whose fault is that?

But then those betters are sacrificing their own talents and are subsequently suppressed and oftentimes oppressed by the masses of the lowest common denominator. How is that fair? To make a great man harness his gift so that he should not advance much above his peers.

But what about the Spiderman creedo of "with great power comes great responsibility?" Isn't that what makes the world go round and round? Shouldn't those who are more gifted use that gift to help everyone? Those who happen to be more gifted are randomly chosen (theoretically), one should not be given status and power due to a lucky bounce of the ball. Wouldn't it make for a much more stable and fair society if those "betters" used their talents to empower everyone as a whole?

I would have to say that i believe that these more gifted men are responsible only for their own well being. It is not their lot in life to be yoked and shackled to those who are less capable and less gifted. I think the problem is not in the unevenness of talent and virtue among men but that talent and virture do not run in parallel lines and are not doled out in equal amounts, thus allowing for those who are highly capable but also highly devious.

"I agree with you that there is a natural aristocracy among men...the grounds of this are virtue and talents."

-Thomas Jefferson-



I think deep down inside i agree with this statement wholeheartedly. It's difficult to reconcile this belief with a "everyone is created equal" worldview because in acknowledging that some men are more talented and virtuous, you are in a sense saying that some men are "better." I guess in a way that this statement is almost obvious in it's truth and that the whole fight for equality of opportunity is based on this fact. The problem in my mind arises however when i think about what the role of these "better" men should be in society.



Are these better men compelled to use their gifts for the benefit of all or for the purpose of enhancing their own lives?

It's Christmas and i am sitting at Victor's apartment after going to a Lakers game with him and George. The Lakers won, which kinda sucks because i wanted Iverson and the Sixers to win but it was still a great game that was exciting all the way to the end. I had never seen a real NBA game before and we were lucky enough to be sitting in a luxury box at the Staples Center because Victor's uncle has season tickets or something. We were really really close and we could see all the players pretty well and the moves and the multiple travels and basically everything. Shaq didn't play and Kobe was aching but Iverson was definitely cool to watch. George started getting a little too excited but maybe this will spark her so-far dormant knowledge of sports. The capper to all of this would of been ice cream sandwiches at Diddy Riese's but they were closed due to the holiday. Anyhow, i may never be in a luxury box again so i must take a second to savor this moment. Tomorrow, the week of craziness begins....

The past couple of days and nights have blended together seamlessly to produce an unending string of sleeping, eating and playing. I've done nothing constructive whatsoever and i've even stayed away from the bane of most of my all-nighters, computers. James, Adam and Victor have been over just about every night and we've been up watching movies (Rush Hour 2, Made) and playing games (Scrabble, Monopoly, Win Lose or Draw). George is back for a week or so and we've gone shopping a little bit but overall we've just been sitting around doing nothing, except for the occassional dinner run or last night's Fumari outing with Babbs and two of his friends.



We had Christmas eve dinner at our house and a couple of family friends came over as well as two of my cousins and it was cool because Babbs, Hong and Victor stayed for dinner. My knee is officially out of commission because i saw a chiropractor a few days back and he pulled some stuff and now it's stronger but he advises against doing anything strenuous. He says it should be ok with time but it might be cartilage damage if it doesn't get better soon. We'll see.



George is the official worst Win Lose or Draw player ever. Just at drawing though. Ok, maybe not worst but definitely the most amusing. Ask her to draw any animal (dog, elephant, aardvark, etc) and she ends up drawing a cat. Victor is the official "best words used in a Scrabble" setting player because he kept on putting down crazy words like "fixation", "oeuvre", "bovine" and many others. We pretty much play Scrabble every night and we've evolved into a version we call "Scribble" which allows us to switch letters in our hand for letters on the board if the word still makes sense. I've never played the Michigan off-shoot Squabble before but i'm wondering if that's anything at all like what Squabble is?

Ok, i just came back from an unplanned all nighter at Gaga's house playing video games with Adam. It was raining so we didn't wanna bother doing anything so we wandered over there to see Nancy (she was leaving for Hong Kong today) and ended up playing the Playstation and the Dreamcast. My eyes are dried out, my body aches and my head just feels stuffy. I have an appointment in a little bit to check out my knee so i gotta stay up. This is the worst. That limbo time between staying up all night and actually getting some sleep. This is like during finals week when i would stay up all night in order to do something totally non-productive and then try to stay awake but zonk out and if luck was with me, wake up just in time for the final.



I did get a chance to run a little bit and play some ball but that was pretty depressing because i can't really run or jump all that well and i pretty much feel like a one-legged man out there. This guy on our team kept on trying to tell me to be more aggressive but i was trying to tell him, "chill out buddy, i'm on one leg here." I guess either way, it's nice to have a legit reason for suckage. I am glad i got to test the knee a little, even though i think the conclusion is that i am not ready to snowboard. Everyone else has season passes and Victor, James and Hong are probably on the way up (for the umpteenth time since last weekend) as i write. This sucks. I don't even think i should go boarding when everyone comes because i don't think i can rationally risk getting hurt right before heading off to England. Ahhhhhh!!!!! The sacrifices i'm going to have to make. Killer.

Had a really good time the last couple of days in New York. I finally finished packing on Monday and the UPS guys came to get everything. If you ever need to move stuff, you can call UPS and they will come pick up everything from in your house and then deliver it to your door, and it's not altogether that expensive. Saves alot of needless sweating and box hauling. Excellent.



I decided to stay an extra day in New York in order to attend Lord of the Rings and Julia's surprise b-day get together and i'm very glad that i did. For one, we had dinner at this Cuban spot called Cafe Habana. Angie took us (Karina, Leslie, Brian, Greg, Louis) there because she said they their corn was incredibly delicious. We didn't really believe that any corn could be so good but we ended up eating a ton of it and loving it. It's basically white corn with parmesan cheese, butter, chili powder and lemon juice on it but to taste it is to know what glories corn was made for. The rest of the Cuban food was excellent but the corn was seriously all out impressive. It sounds simple to make but i doubt that corn of this caliber can be duplicated. My lips got chapped from eating the corn so damn fast.



We walked over to a lounge near Grenich St for Julia's thing. The spot was called Recess and it was a little hard to find but the place was really small but it was cool. The crowd was a little weird (kind of had an office party feel to it) but it didn't matter because we were mainly there to chill out with our peoples anyway. Amit and Mandisa were already there and Randall and a co-worker came later and we hung out for an hour and then left. But as it turns out, Julia didn't show up until two minutes after we left because we had to rush off to catch Lord of the Rings. Things like this always happen i suppose, we kept on delaying our departure thinking that "she'll be here in five minutes" but then as soon as we go, she's there.



Anyhow, happy 21st to Julia. Damn young. We went to watch Lord of the Rings after that on an IMAX screen with Ian McKellen hosting and Access Hollywood was there (so i'm told). Thanks to Louis, Greg, Swee and Caroline for saving us seats and getting us tickets and basically taking the brunt of the organizational duties. I hyped myself up so damn much for this movie (even though i really didn't like the books) and i was going in with 100% great expectations. As it turns out, the only real complaint i had about the movie was that it was so damn long. Everything else about it was pretty great. It's not the greatest movie i've ever seen but in terms of what it accomplishes as far as creating an epic, drawing from a 400+ page book, satisfying 50+ years of expectations, Peter Jackson and the whole cast and crew did an amazing job. Being a fantasy geek, it's very exciting to see something like this capture the imagination of the public and i can only hope that this leads to bigger and better things for fantasy fans everywhere. And more respect. That would be nice too. I think if they ever made a movie out of the Dragonlance or Icewind Dale books i would have satisfied all of my childish desires (the other two being an X-Men movie and a quality X-Men fighting game).



To top all this off in a very long night, Louis, Greg and Caroline stayed over and watched me finish packing and then we stayed up late talking about random things (mostly past relationships and lack thereof) and tried to make fun of each other as much as possible. It was a good ending to a quick week in NYC. I'm glad to be outta here though, New York the city is bugging me. The friends i'll miss, but not the PATH rides, the pace or the glut of humanity.

Most of yesterday was spent with Greg, Caroline, Louis and Je-Yi who drove all the way out to bum with me. We mostly did nothing but it was a good nothing. The weather was freakishly cold so even though we were supposed to go to the city we never did. We had dinner at Arthur's steakhouse and then just bummed for awhile before we left. I did muster up the courage to go into the city to meet up with Amit, Randall, Gerard, Leslie and Karina for lounging at Turtle Bay. Turtle Bay is a bar down the street from Amit's house and i like it alot because it reminds me of Friends and how they have that coffee shop and those couches that they are always just hanging out on. If i was in New York any longer i would make a push to make Turtle Bay "our place."



Leslie and Karina came over afterwards for a slumber party and we stayed up until nine in the morning talking about lots of stuff, mostly religion and stuff like that. It was very stimulating and more people should of come over to join us for the last Avalon sleep over EVER....but we'll live.



New favorite term:

"cuddle rape" Being cuddled unexpectedly and against your will. Sometimes if one is already in deep slumber, the cuddle raper will cuddle and leave before the victim even notices.

First night back out into New York. The weather was really crappy so even though Victor came over really early to get buo-ba, we just ended up staying in and playing games on jippi.com. That site is pure evil. Mindless competitive games that everyone will love. My favorite i think is the trivia game but everything else is pretty darn cool too. Don't go. It's not fun. You won't like it. You won't waste any time there.



We did finally meet up with Leslie, Amit, Karina, Gerard, Vivian and Brian. Got our Saint Alp's and after that we pretty much chilled at a bar (Pop) and then got some food in Chinatown. It was nice to see everyone again but i can't really shake the doomsday feeling of "whoa, this won't happen like ever again!" But that's probably not true because i'll probably visit sometime. I do wish i had more time here in New York but hey, i'm grateful even for this short week. I'm tempted to stay a day longer because Greg got some tickets to an advance IMAX screening to Lord of the Rings on Tuesday (with Ian McKellan hosting) but i feel like it's a test of my responsibility. We'll see what happens.



I do know that trying to catch a cab in New York is damn near impossible when you need one. Especially on the weekends. We stood outside for at least 30 minutes trying to catch Vivian a cab (she ended up settling for a limo) and then in Chinatown it took lots of walking to get our necessary three cabs. It wasn't even like people took our cabs, all the cabs were just full or "off duty." All those movies showing cabs pulling up all the time are flat out lying. Public transportation sucks. Kill the ozone...drive.

I am packing. It is nuts. I never realized how much useless stuff i've accumulated in only a year and a half here. I swore i wouldn't clutter up my NYC apartment but i guess i have. Right now i'm up to six huge boxes and still counting. Cleaning sucks. The dust is killing me. Thumbkin is fat. I'm trying to get as much done tonight as i can so that i can play some this weekend and see people. I have so much crap i'm just gonna throw away or give away. I wish more of you were here so i could jettison my junk to your apartment. It is really warm here and although i haven't really returned to New York here, i'm already feeling that staying till Tuesday will be too short. In fact, the rest of this month is going to be too short. Damn.

I am looking through all our back issues of Entertainment Weekly and i found this that was very intriguing. A guy named Brian Singer launched his 1000 Journals project in August of 2000. This San Francisco-based graphic designer sent out books to friends who sent them along to friends of their own. While some of the books are missing, most of them are accounted for and are filled with crazy art and musings. He scanned them and posted them up on his website and it's such a cool idea that i had to share it. I think we should start one too. Or maybe a couple and then zip them around the Earth. What do you think?

What if i like the destination i am headed towards but not the journey? Does that count as happy?

I don't know. I guess you're just gonna have to find out won't you?

Yes but that wouldn't bring anybody happiness. It's the act of doing those goals that ultimately factors into happiness, not necessarily the achievement of them. If you don't like the journey you are undertaking, then the destination doesn't matter.

Well yeah but a happy slacker. I mean, happiness is hard enough to achieve as it is, why muddle it with self created goals and plans that are bestowed upon you for no other reason than to say that you accomplished something? I mean, i think someone could arbitrarly just set some goals and then be happy in their advancement towards those goals.

aka....a directionless slacker.

Well yeah but innate joy is so much harder to capture. It's kind of depressing to see life as "set goal, meet goal, enjoy having met goal, rewind, play." I think however that is what happens when responsibility kicks in. Isn't responsibility all about having plans and goals and then having the drive to meet those goals? The only way that i can visualize having pure innate joy all the time is to be a free-spirit, able to roam and do things at anytime.

Aren't you kind of forgetting that innate sense of pure joy that just comes from being happy? Happy isn't just "i got this accomplished, i feel good." A lot of times, accomplishing goals kind of leaves you with this empty feeling doesn't it?

What is this thing called happiness that everyone is trying to constantly achieve? The number one answer to what everyone wants to be when they grow up is....."happy." "I want to be happy". It's almost this deep question to ask someone if they are truly happy. But what is happy really aside from the completion of pre-determined goals? I mean, isn't that pretty much how we measure happiness? In terms of things crossed off our "To Do" list? I have a significant other. Check. I have a well paying, interesting job. Check. I have a nutritious diet. Check. I exercise three times a week. Check. I sleep six (or sixteen) hours a day. Check. I'm happy. Check.

I took this career assessment test online that was pretty in-depth and got back an analysis of my strengths and weaknesses and my likes and dislikes. It was pretty accurate (partly because it was based on what i prefered as opposed to figuring out what i'm best suited for). My top ten jobs/career fields are these: (1) Instructive, Fine Arts (2) Promotion/Publicity (3) Dramatics (4) Musical, Creative (5) Creative Entertainment (6) Radio, TV Announcing (7) Creative Writing (8) Interview/Inform (9) High School, College, University (10) Kindergarten, Elementary Education.



Jon is conscious of existence, meaning, purpose, potential and destiny of humankind, people, and self. Jon is motivated by a self-felt, self-accepted calling to the cause of good, growth, and gain in the lives of others. Influential communication of ideas is a primary way of achieving those objectives. Perception and thinking tend to be holistic and conceptual; i.e., seeing the big picture. It is important to see which of the other traits are interactive with this trait because there can be many interesting combinations. This is a major trait in cultural, intellectual, academic, and creative activities. It includes ideas, concepts, theory, ethics, and values.



Jon prefers to associate with others socially, organizationally, and recreationally. In addition to assuring company with others, association is an important arena and environment for interacting with people in a variety of ways: leadership, managing, supervising, communicating, serving, caring, etc. Other traits have to be considered to determine how and why Jon is motivated to associate and interact with others.



Preferences for Jon fully support being perceptually, subconsciously, and consciously aware of fantasy, symbols, symbolic relationships, abstract ideas, options, and choice of options as they relate to creative or innovative activities. Perception triggers ideas in Jon's mind, a process that just happens - a process often called intuition. It is not a conscious effort to logically "come up with" creative ideas; instead, the process is best identified with the statement that "a thought struck me." A quote by Carl Jung probably makes complete sense to Jon: "Art is innate in the artist, like an instinct that seizes and makes a tool out of the human being. The thing in the final analysis that wills something in him is not he, the personal man, but the aim of the art."

Um, apparently we've had DSL all along. I finally found a box that corresponded to our Ethernet modem and called up the people and then set up service again. This is nice i suppose even though it's really freakin' expensive. I guess i better take advantage of this before we cancel it.



It's freakishly cold right now in San Diego and it's making everything really depressing. To run outside for a cigarette and then to come back in all cold and frozen. This isn't the San Diego that dreams are made of. I am going back to New York this Wednesday for about a week to take care of the moving out and to settle some things there. A couple of my aunts and uncles have expressed their desire for me to not go there right now because they deem it irresponsible. Of course, partly i want to go back for so long for social reasons but i feel bad leaving all the moving out and selling and packing to Lynn. One aunt in particular said that if i was truly only there to take care of things i should just go for like two days, pack up and move out. I'm still in this midst of trying to balance being responsible and trying to "squeeze every last drop" out of this month. I think i should be working now too because i do have twenty days left in December but i'm almost childishly resisting it because i want to take this time to gather myself and to be normal for a few weeks. But i guess part of being responsible is to be taking care of the priorities first.

This has been a pretty big weekend for me because i've finally had the chance to talk to some people about what lies ahead for my future. Had talks with my uncle this weekend, learned a little bit about US operations and then today i had a chance to talk to Trevor (who is owner of a company that works closely with my dad's company, based out of the UK). Right now it looks like i won't be finishing school. The time it would take to finish school would only be a few months but in this time of change and evolution for the company i've decided that i need to be doing something. So i think i will be leaving for England for a few weeks in January. And then i'll be back here in LA for a trade show and then off to China for i'm not sure how long. It's a little frightening i suppose to actually have a plan drawn up for the immediate future but it's also kind of settling also. This is all still a little tentative but i think this is what will happen ideally.



Had quite an interesting talk tonight with James, centering on religion and a little bit on life. I wish i could condense all the conversations i've ever had about religion and life into one big reference book so i can chart how my thought process has evolved and stayed the same. Anyhow, life begins at the end of December i guess.

Yesterday was my dad's US service. I don't really have that much to say about it i guess. It was nice, there were tons of people, many of whom i didn't get the chance to talk to and thank. It was uplifting to see so many of my dad's friends there and thank you to all my friends who came. There were highs and lows i guess but in a way, this just felt like the end parentheses to a long and short month. I was actually a little afraid of the US service but i knew that it was necessary and i am glad that it is over. It was a mental and emotional closing i suppose and i had kind of waited for that to happen.

Jennifer is back from Chicago and i got a chance to hang out with her for a bit after dinner at her house with her parents and my mom. We ended up going downtown to a cigar lounge (basically a coffee shop that sells tobacco) and it was nice to be able to smoke indoors. This whole not able to smoke indoors in California thing is slightly annoying but whatevers. Anyway, my dad's service is this Saturday and family will start to come in by tomorrow night. I'll be talking to my Uncle Lou about some sort of plan for my future so i guess in a way, after this Monday or so i'll pretty much have a plan for the upcoming years and stuff. Scary shit.

Just got back from going out with Hong. It's a Wednesday and i can't recall the last time i've actually been out on a Wednesday but he said Plan B had $1 drinks and i really have nothing to do so off i went. The greatest thing about going out to Pacific Beach is that you can pretty much wear anything you want. T-Shirts with ugly logos, dirty ratty jeans, baseball hats...anything. The line was shockingly long even though it was 10:45 but i guess Plan B is the only place that has anything going on Wednesdays so everybody goes there. The music was maybe 10% hip hop and 90% house/trance so i basically just sat around watching people. I think i would love to make a mock-umentary about the club scene. The number of pathetic guys in clubs is astounding and when you actually sit down and watch them try to pick up girls it's hilarious. Also, because they don't limit the guy-girl ratio there were a ton of guys and not so many girls. All in all it was an interesting time, not exactly killer fun but worth it nonetheless. And best of all it only cost $8 total for cover and drinking. I'd much rather go clubbing with twenty people like we usually do but i guess living out here in boonie SD i'll have to wait for the rest of you guys to move here.

Ok, i took the art test after looking at Alvin and Chris's results and i get the Scream?!? What the heck. They get to be deep and beautiful and i get "feeble grasp on reality? Nuts.







If I were a work of art, I would be Edvard Münch's The Scream. I express the subconscious troubles and anxieties of the world. I hold my head and let loose the primal terror of my innermost fears, surrounded by a lurid landscape which reflects my feeble grasp on reality.

Is it possible to be addicted to Tylenol Cold? I take it like they're vitamins. I think i've had one pair a day for the past two weeks. My personal philosophy on getting sick is to nuke the cold with medicine. I never understood how some people (prominently Lynnchen) can just sit there in the midst of disease and refuse to take medicine. I think however that this strategy has started to backfire because i'm not getting any better but yet i'm not really sick enough to see a doctor either. Ah well. Tylenol Cold is safer than some other types of drugs i suppose.

Angie is here visiting this weekend and while everyone else is pretty much away in Vegas, we've been doing alot of eating and drinking (buo ba, jamba, the usuals). Saw Monsters Inc last night and that was really good, the things they can do now with CGI are pretty amazing. I'm also as always, astonished at the number of terribly crappy movies that make it onto the screen. From the previews alone i was shocked by how low movie execs are digging for good stories. Spirit: Stallion of Cimarron?!? What the heck?



Went up to Irvine with Angie and her brother to go eat dinner with her friend, Joyce, and James. We went to a very excellent Japanese restaurant and i realized how cheap food is outside of New York. The $13.95 sushi platter looked incredibly inexpensive and i was thinking, "Wow, what a great deal!" That's how wacked out New York makes you in some respects. Joyce has taken the title of "fastest girl driver i've ever seen." She has a beautiful S4 and she was going at least 130 yesterday on the road against James. Sick.

Positive reinforcement. Everyone needs it and quietly looks for it. I'm not a huge believer in "actions mean more than words" because i think you can just know and be secure in something but at the same time i'm realizing that just because you "know" something, doesn't mean you shouldn't reinforce it once in awhile. Taking people for granted is a horrible horrible thing, even though it may not be meant that way. Parents should say they care more often (well, asian parents i guess). Friends need those small moments of reinforcement. I realize in alot of dealings with people (namely my parents and close friends) i tend to assume that they know how much they mean to me. That has proven to be a confusing point alot and i often find myself confused by why people think that we're not close anymore. But i think that in life, the thank you's and appreciations are necessary for a person to grow and evolve. I wonder sometimes if because i am really secure in a lot of ways, that it tends to make me very insensitive to showing the care that i should be giving on a more regular basis.

Went out tonite with my knee all wrapped up. Tried to hobble around but in the end i stuck with the crutches. I don't think i'm healing quite as fast as i anticipated. Regardless, had a good time with Adam. Got some buo-ba, went to Fumari's for a bit, joined by Victor Wang, and then we went to Keith's to get some food and play some chess. I think on the list of things i could dedicate my life to, chess would be pretty high up there. I read about all these professional players who go through years and years of training to learn every nuance and intricacy of the game. One little board with a few wooden pieces and people have found a way to build a life around that. I wish that when i was younger i had been involved in scholastic chess. I remember watching Waverly in the Joy Luck Club and thinking it would be wonderful to be a junior chess champion. There are very few things in life that i could concentrate on forever and still feel invigorated to learn everyday. Then again, i think about stuff like this and i realize that it's almost a waste of time and effort to get better at something that is almost completely frivolous. I mean, being the best Street Fighter II Super Nintendo player at the age of 14 has really no real world application. When you think about wasting all those hours that could be dedicated to learning something worthwhile it's kind of crazy. My secret dream is also to become a pro Magic player. That would make my day too.

You're trying to fight thousands of years of natural and societal instinct? Ha, good luck. Tell me when you come up with a solution Romeo, until then i'll just play along by the normal set of rules.

Well, not really, i just think that right now i equate relationship with sacrifice and i am unable to come to grips with that. I think that there has to be something bigger and better. Then again, i obviously don't have a logical alternative yet, although i'm trying to figure one out.

So basically your idea of an ideal state of being is to have a companion to traverse the world with, but yet not necessarily to be 100% dedicated to that person? That somehow strikes me as an impossibility.

Essentially i guess a relationship is what a companionship is about, but along the way you have to leave bread crumbs of trust behind so that the other person will be able to follow and understand that you care. I would like to think that this kind of thing can happen without the wave of sacrifice and change that a relationship demands. Oftentimes i feel that in searching for the "perfect one" you are often molding a person into that perfect image you want. And also at times there is a tendency to want to be left with tokens of sacrifice and compatibility. Isn't it possible to build that up by opening the metaphorical doors wider as opposed to closing them? If the only way to achieve security is to be shut into a room together than i would have to question exactly where that false sense of security comes from.

You realize of course that what you are asking for is pretty much just friendship right? With an independent ability to move in and out of each other's lives at will. You say a companion but isn't that essentially what a relationship is? Someone to watch movies with, to talk to, to go through life together, hand in hand, attached at the hip, talking in one voice, thinking as one?

I mean i feel like that once you become a label, there are tendencies to want to be possessive and to want to create a union between two independent beings. Decisions often become "we" and "us" instead of "you" and "me." I'm not sure if my mindset and philosophies are capable of sustaining a full fledged relationship of sacrifice and commitment. I feel like oftentimes you are faced with the choice of giving up a part of yourself in order to mesh completely with the significant other. Some of my friends are willing to do this and that sounds so crazy to me.

Wait...you want a companion to be there and yet you're unwilling to give total commitment? How does that work and where can i sign up?

Today i want to talk about relationships. The girl and boy variety. Forget the question of if girls and guys can be friends...i've recently had the chance to have some discussion and thought about what i want for the future. I decided that i may not necessarily want a wife in the traditional sense. I sort of want a companion, someone to always be there. The thought of a full on marriage with total commitment sort of frightens me.