America's Next Top Author

I commissioned an author photo from James. Basically, I needed one for the publisher's book catalog, promotional mouse pads, wanted posters, who knows what. Here's the thing: It's not easy to take an author photo, or any photo for that matter. I missed out on the whole Taiwan glamour shots phase of my life. Darn.

I've been dying to shave my head but have held out because I think hair lends me an air of professionalism. Then again, who do I think I'm fooling?

With our limited time and the light rain that was falling sporadically outside, we were confined to the inside of my house. We probably should have explored other venues but hey, it's just a simple picture right? Apparently not. It's not easy to take a picture that looks natural, or gives you an author-ly weight. I wanted something that said I was "approachable, fun, serious, casual enough for walks on the beach yet intense enough for all night gossip fests."

After taking a few different shots and showing the results to my homebrew versions of Tyra, Miss J, Twiggy, and Nigel, the reactions I got ran the gamut from "you look, um, gay" or "your hair seems shiny" to "you never have that expression on your face, like ever." That's what I could pick out from between laughs anyway.

It doesn't help that I'm a horrible poser (double entendre!). It's tricky to relax yet straighten. I felt like I was doing weird qigong things. Be like water, be like wind, be emotive yet withdrawn. Be a man. Mainly I thought about getting a body double. Or a new wardrobe. I mean, how many different ways can you rock a white T-shirt right?

James did his best with me though. You don't realize how hard it is to actually convey anything to the camera until you actually have to do it semi-seriously. I mean, should I look away like I don't know the camera is right there in my face or should I look into it like I'm cosmically connecting with your book buying soul? Do I try to be ashy or classy? To smile or not to smile? Do I tilt my chin up or down? All these things and the camera just keeps snap snapping away. It must be impossible to be a celebrity knowing that pictures of you will be taken at all times. The paparazzi isn't going to spare you any grief by only publishing your flattering pictures either.

Anyway, it was quite the learning experience. Below is the one I turned in.

There's like this wicked backlash against authors who are deemed popular only because they are good looking females. Or sometimes a female author (and the occasional male) gets blasted because their author photos look nothing like them in real life. It's the sexing up of the book industry -- and not in a good way I guess. Luckily I don't think my sellability will come down to my looks. Whew.

Here's an interesting article about Marion Ettlinger, the most sought after book jacket photographer in the country. "Her name has even entered the language as a verb. To be 'Ettlingered' means to have imparted to you an aura of distinction and renown, regardless of whether anyone besides your mother and your cat knows who you are."

Just kidding, that would be retarded to turn that one in. I mean, not when you can turn in gems like these. Please buy my book. As you can see, I'll need all the help I can get.