K.I.S.S.

I'm gonna tell it like it is, and how it should be. After much research and many years of development, my colleagues and I are ready to reveal the secret formula to acquiring the girl of your dreams. It's quite simple:

P + P = P

PPP, how can I explain it, I'll take it frame by frame it. The first "P" is for Proximity, the second "P" is for Persistence, and the last P...well...that's not safe for minors. Let's just say it's not a tropical fruit. Watch this Russell Peter's clip (around 1:52) and you'll know.

Why are we thinking about this question mind you? The answer is because in our every day lives, we see so many wonderful, beautiful, multi-talented women taken by much less wonderful men. Sure, these guys have traits that are appealing to the opposite sex but when you add it all up, there's inequality. And we can't stand for inequality can we? This is America dammit. Why are all these males able to date so far above their, how shall we call it, station? Or more accurately, these guys are dating out of their league!

Far from wanting to put a stop to it, we want to join the club. So, with a keen eye for observation and many a lonely night, our crack team of (obviously single) researchers have found out that all it takes to ensnare any woman, and we do mean any woman, is proximity and persistence. In some cases, you don't even need both; although the double shotgun attack is so much more effective in our tests.

For example. If you are around a girl for over fifty percent of her day, you've raised your chances two-fold of dating her. She will bound to have a moment of weakness, a sudden lapse in judgement, or a desperate minute at some point in time, and in you will swoop. Also, being close to someone for an extended amount of time gets you "in the door," meaning that they'll get to know you simply by osmosis. If you can't get a girl to see some good dateable qualities about you with Father Time on your side, then you got bigger problems bub.

If it's not enough to just be around her all the time, you gotta remember that the typical jungle cat will stalk their prey for over a week before engaging. Seriously. You have to have patience, you have to pound your head against that door, and never take "No" for an answer. But don't be dumb and do it all stupid like. Keep asking her out with a smile and a wink, and never go ballistic crazy and say stuff like "Well, screw you then!" Girls don't mind seeing some pursuit, but they aren't looking for stalkers either.

See, girls are total idiots when it comes to love. They're less shallow than we are, they're more willing to see annoying personality traits as "endearing," they're more susceptible to the idea that two people, no matter where they started from, can be together. Guys, we know better than this, but why not go along for the ride -- when it suits us?

If you need this theory elaborated on, and want some concrete examples, we shall go have a drink and I'll show you charts, graphs, and cases of "That's incredible! Is that true?!?" In summation, anything is possible. Never fear guys, your dream girl is well within reach, you just have to pony up and give it your all.

Also, I lied, most jungle cats wait for their prey to run underneath them so they can just pounce and snap their necks. So really, this strategy is aimed more toward the meek prairie dogs in the audience as opposed to any real predators.