K.I.S.S.

I'm gonna tell it like it is, and how it should be. After much research and many years of development, my colleagues and I are ready to reveal the secret formula to acquiring the girl of your dreams. It's quite simple:

P + P = P

PPP, how can I explain it, I'll take it frame by frame it. The first "P" is for Proximity, the second "P" is for Persistence, and the last P...well...that's not safe for minors. Let's just say it's not a tropical fruit. Watch this Russell Peter's clip (around 1:52) and you'll know.

Why are we thinking about this question mind you? The answer is because in our every day lives, we see so many wonderful, beautiful, multi-talented women taken by much less wonderful men. Sure, these guys have traits that are appealing to the opposite sex but when you add it all up, there's inequality. And we can't stand for inequality can we? This is America dammit. Why are all these males able to date so far above their, how shall we call it, station? Or more accurately, these guys are dating out of their league!

Far from wanting to put a stop to it, we want to join the club. So, with a keen eye for observation and many a lonely night, our crack team of (obviously single) researchers have found out that all it takes to ensnare any woman, and we do mean any woman, is proximity and persistence. In some cases, you don't even need both; although the double shotgun attack is so much more effective in our tests.

For example. If you are around a girl for over fifty percent of her day, you've raised your chances two-fold of dating her. She will bound to have a moment of weakness, a sudden lapse in judgement, or a desperate minute at some point in time, and in you will swoop. Also, being close to someone for an extended amount of time gets you "in the door," meaning that they'll get to know you simply by osmosis. If you can't get a girl to see some good dateable qualities about you with Father Time on your side, then you got bigger problems bub.

If it's not enough to just be around her all the time, you gotta remember that the typical jungle cat will stalk their prey for over a week before engaging. Seriously. You have to have patience, you have to pound your head against that door, and never take "No" for an answer. But don't be dumb and do it all stupid like. Keep asking her out with a smile and a wink, and never go ballistic crazy and say stuff like "Well, screw you then!" Girls don't mind seeing some pursuit, but they aren't looking for stalkers either.

See, girls are total idiots when it comes to love. They're less shallow than we are, they're more willing to see annoying personality traits as "endearing," they're more susceptible to the idea that two people, no matter where they started from, can be together. Guys, we know better than this, but why not go along for the ride -- when it suits us?

If you need this theory elaborated on, and want some concrete examples, we shall go have a drink and I'll show you charts, graphs, and cases of "That's incredible! Is that true?!?" In summation, anything is possible. Never fear guys, your dream girl is well within reach, you just have to pony up and give it your all.

Also, I lied, most jungle cats wait for their prey to run underneath them so they can just pounce and snap their necks. So really, this strategy is aimed more toward the meek prairie dogs in the audience as opposed to any real predators.

"Marriage"

"Should I get married? Should I be good?
Astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and Faustus hood?
Don't take her to movies but to cemeteries
tell all about werewolf bathtubs and forked clarinets
then desire her and kiss her and all the preliminaries
and she going just so far and I understanding why
not getting angry saying You must feel! It's beautiful to feel!
Instead take her in my arms lean against an old crooked tombstone
and woo her the entire night the constellations in the sky"
-Gregory Corso-

There's a land that I heard of

My plan this year is to take the money I would normally spend on rent and instead translate it into airplane tickets. It's cheaper to fly around and crash with people than to pay rent to some money sucking entity right? My goal is to spend every season in a different place. I figure winter in San Diego, spring in San Francisco, summer in New York for damn sure, and then autumn somewhere else -- let's preliminarily say Hawaii. I need action this year, and things happening. Here's the problem: I'm suburbs at heart. I love convenience. I love not having to worry about parking, public transportation, or how other people will affect my daily routine. I like my little bubble.

During our scout run in San Francisco this past week, I discovered some problems with it. First, it's not really an urban place at all. Without a car, it's damn hard to get around. Sure, the buses and the BART are there and superficially link the city together but a seven by seven mile city is still pretty damn big. San Francisco is very much little neighborhoods all strung out away from each other. Going to the Mission to eat, Haight-Ashbury to shop, the Marina to sleep, the Tenderloin to be scared. It all takes so much effort.

At least in New York you have subways and tons of cabs. It seems like in SF you can't get anything done without a car. Who has the patience to sit around waiting for a bus in the freezing cold? I sure as hell don't. However, this is no time for New York so San Francisco it'll have to be. Part of me says to just stay in San Diego until warm weather hits the East Coast, but really, I need to get out of San Diego; there's nothing for me here.

How come it's so hard to find a city that is both bustling with culture, activity, and newness, without having to sacrifice convenience? I hear Austin is kinda cool. But that's in Texas. Ugh. Perhaps the answer lies overseas...

Jump Around

It's not easy to celebrate the New Year in style anymore. Usually it's a choice between going out with a (drunken) bang in some overpriced club or sitting at home partly wishing you had done something more exciting.

Well, for the end of 2007, along came Lilly, cruise director extraordinaire and queen of general awesomeness. Her New Year's Eve party from 2004 was raucous and totally fun so when she announced that she was going to throw an 80's themed NYE party, everyone knew it would be a good time.

But did everyone know there would be jumping involved? Oh yes, jumping. While James (Okapix Studios) is still working on the main prom pictures, he sent out the jumping pictures from that night in order to whet people's appetites. They might just be the funnest pictures ever -- to take and to look at.

Take a look: NYE 07 Jumping

The A-Team

Yesterday at 5:32 pm: Using leaves to mark sidewalk poop. Saving lives.

We all suffer from crisis time to time but the traditional model is for the person in trouble to reach out to others. That's insane isn't it? When is it our responsibility to identify when we're in crisis? People in general are good at convincing themselves that things are perfectly fine; who has the time or the inclination to shine the spotlight of insight internally?

Isn't it much better if our friends were armed with the intestinal fortitude (and permission) to just jump in there and spark an intervention? With any group of friends, there's always people in need of intervention. Some of them are small in nature but once in awhile they are life changing issues.

For example: A few years ago we staged an intervention for a friend who was consistently endangering his life by driving too fast and crashing into things. It had little to no effect but at least we tried. We also staged an intervention once for someone because we felt their chronic relationshipping was akin to alcoholism. That actually should be a disease. "My name is Brenda and I'm a relationship-aholic... Actually, screw this twelve step shit. Who's single?"

An example of a mini-intervention (all names and details have been changed to protect the innocent):

Open scene: Two guys are hanging out at a club
Larry: Hey Seth, would you want someone to tell you if you had shit on your face?
Seth: What?! Sure, I guess.
Larry: Even if it's kind of mean?
Seth: We're good friends, go for it.
Larry: You've got a dandruff problem dog.
*awkward silence*
Seth: Thanks man.
Larry: No problem. Here's a travel size Head and Shoulders.

See how great -- not to mention useful -- interventions can be? All it takes is honesty and communication. Better friendships are formed because of it. What's the point of having good friends if they won't do the things that normal friends don't do? The point of having awesome friends is to cross boundaries. I've been the target of a few interventions in my time (usually impromptu) but I feel like they would be more effective if we did one thing: We need to select our "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass" people beforehand.

It's no use to assemble a team of interveners when the crisis is already at hand. The point is to get the team deployed and on the ground as soon as possible. There's no time to be sitting around making a list of "Who should we invite (to intervene)?" when all shit's gone to hell.

The basic rule of creating an intervention team is simple:Look for efficiency. Bring in only who needs to be there -- the absolute minimum -- and make sure everyone else just supports them. If they ask for a battle axe, a kitten, two lemons, and a 36-inch flat screen television, don't ask questions. Just go get it. The intervention team makes all the calls. Everyone else just follows orders. After all, the intervention team has been hand-selected for just this reason; they understand the person under crisis best.

During my most recent crisis, I felt like my intervention team was hastily assembled. I mean, it's fine because it was kind of sudden and everyone was under a bit of duress but many bad things could have been avoided if I had just specified (and opened up) about who my intervention team should be. Without such a clear cut chain of command, it was throwing shit against the wall to see what stuck. Next time around, I'll be sure to carry a copy of my "Intervention Team" in my pocket, like a medical bracelet.

I suggest you do the same.

Air & Space

It scares me when people say "Oh I've been doing this so-and-so for five years..." It makes me feel at once like I've done nothing for any extended period of time and also makes me feel like they really need to get out. Any period of time over two years seems incredibly long. That's two seasons worth of holidays and birthdays.

I have a theory that most things have a lifespan of two years before they either fall apart or fade away. Friendships, social circles, relationships, what have you. Of course, this theory is proven wrong by everyone else on the daily so pretty much it's just my inability to keep things intact for two years that is the problem. It's always me and not you. Sucks, doesn't it?

2007 was supposed to be the "Year of the Yang." It really wasn't, not by a long shot. That catchy little slogan was supposed to encompass turning over a new leaf -- ostensibly relationship wise -- but both Yangs are currently single and the outlook for the upcoming year is "hazy with a chance of rain." The cornerstone of my new relationship philosophy was a commitment to commitment but really the only thing I could commit to was myself -- as always. I'm all the happier for it but the fallout wasn't pretty. I'd like to resolve to stop ruining other people's lives through my actions; just mine should be plenty.

Two years ago, Time Magazine's Person of the Year was "You," to celebrate communities springing up online and taking advantage of blogging, social networks, Wikipedia, and other collaborative tools to seize control. Well, 2007 turned out to be the Year of Me. I mean, I had a super duper year, didn't you?

I traveled, I got to do a few blog talks with my book, I got another book deal (incredibly), I got a job that paid me salary, I saw many friends that I hadn't seen in far too long. I met muses everywhere I went. Every wedding I went to this year was a hit. I paid most of my bills on-time and by myself. It's like I'm nearly grown up or something.

For the upcoming year, the thing to do is to keep the momentum going forward. I'd like to self-publish a few things, just for kicks. Ameer's sister made him hand-bound copies of his blog and it looks amazing; I need to do that. I'd like to make mini-documentaries with a camcorder I've yet to purchase. I'd like to return to basketball shape. I'd like to accumulate some savings. I should probably graduate.

I'd like to be a better friend. I'd like to make new friends. I'd like to think that by the time I turn 30 in September, I'd have been able to put some distance between my 20s. I also think I really need to focus and become a real writer this year, whatever that may mean -- more writing, better writing, classes, workshops, dedication, motivation, all of it. It would be nice to acquire a new skill too.

This year I came to terms with God, more or less.

I finally opened my eyes (even if briefly) and saw some insecurities and issues that I've always turned a blind eye to. There's a whole world of things I feel like I learned this year but I'm still working through them, privately and at some point, publicly. There's an amazingly supportive email that I received eight months ago that I've as of yet been unable to reply to. I want to, but I'm not sure how.

I thought I tied up a few loose ends this year, but I'm realizing I just thought I did -- or maybe I've just done it on my end without letting the other party know exactly. I learned a hell of a lot about trust this year. Mainly the giving of it by other people to me. One person in particular really kind of stunned me with his trust. I think there's lots of unresolved issues still there but then again, maybe there ain't. Comme ci, comme ca.

In the end, I'd like to be less a caricature and more of a fully formed person. If that makes any sense. We're all in danger of losing touch with ourselves and each other; but I say that in a really hopeful way. I think that's the story of 2007. At least that's how I'll think of it.

"What happened is that um, I kinda got this arcane glimpse of the universe and the best thing I can say about that is... I don't know."
-Reality Bites-