It's Black, It's White

I'm trying to figure out the correlation between how long you haven't seen someone versus how much you talk to them. I think it's negative. You can easily not see someone for years, ask the casual "so what's been going on?" and get a two sentence answer. I find this very impersonal, deflating, and a bit off-putting. Then again, I hate playing the catch up game so really, shouldn't a two sentence response be ideal? Nobody wants to spend twenty minutes recapping the minutiae of each other's past lives. The goal is to move quickly from what you missed -- the last few years -- to what TV shows and movies you currently watch.

I've discovered that the most useful topic when meeting up with people (anyone outside of close friends status) is TV or movies. If they don't actively do either of those things? Then we're at an impasse. It's pretty sad really. Small talk has been reduced to what's on channel seven at 9pm.

The other thing I've noticed recently is that my small talk is highly racist. I know, that sounds pretty bad, but hear me out. There's a racial/cultural divide in our fine country and it's not just imaginary. Once I can get a look at someone I immediately change my small talk topics. I like to lead with family and personal history talk with Asians. I presume they're second generation or something, thus I can ask them about moving here and how strict their parents are. This tactic also works nicely with any recently immigrated peoples. Black people, I lead with some music or sports. White people, I kind of muddle around until I can figure out what type of white person I'm dealing with and then move along to the appropriate topic.

I have to do this because I like to avoid asking about work, relationships, or any of the other standard opening lines. It's like chess. Why play e4 when you can instead separate yourself and confuse the defense by playing the English (c4)?

I should probably take some time out to flow chart my small talk strategy. Has anyone ever used Microsoft Visio? It's a flow chart making program and it's amazing. I've been making a lot of work related flow charts recently and I'm thinking that I should go the extra mile and flow chart everything in my life. That way I can template out my "social plan" and have other people regurgitate it exactly.

Then we can all be bowling alone, together.