mayfly for november. every breath you take and every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, i'll be watching you.

the world is your oyster. love is in the air. and that's a fact. relationships are budding. blossoming. whoever said that spring was a time for love was way off. the time for love is winter. it's cold, it's windy, we need people and cuddle buddies. spring is a time to get out of relationships and enjoy the weather. winter is for hunkering down with token relationship in hand. without naming names or noting facts, there is a definite trend of people hooking up with people. strange how it's always like that no? it seems like all your friends are either single together, breaking up together or getting into relationships together. it's like "the cycle." except here, you hang around with your friends enough and your relationship cycles start to mesh. it's a glorious thing. watching love/like blossom under cover of snow and occassional rain. almost makes a man want to have somebody. almost.



it's kind of neat to kick back, relax, and watch things happen. who could be next to become smitten? here's hoping it's you. here's believing it's not me. i wish i could make a line graph of where everyone in my life is heading, relationship wise. then i could track trends and amuse myself. that actually sounds like a fun thing to do. numerically track people. booby prizes go to those stuck in relationship limbo.

i'm walking down chinatown manhattan. stench everywhere, trying to avoid puddles of mess and messes of people. i'm noticing workers loading up a ramen truck for delivery. i see my favorite brand of ramen being loaded in but then i notice that something's off. this ramen is mistakenly labeled as a chinese ramen! that's not right! this ramen isn't chinese! it's korean! and suddenly i realize i'm dreaming. and my dream is no more. shattered by the irrefutable logic of my ramen knowledge.



if this is the type of crap that's stuck in my subconscious, no wonder i have such problems getting up. welcome to the workday. rock rock ya'll.

i saw a man with no clothes, no money, no plate

mr. wendal, that's his name

no one ever knew his name cuz he's a no one

never thought twice about spending on an old bum

until i had the chance to really get to know one

now that i know'em to give him money isn't charity



the poor and the destitute. the homeless. the downtrodden. the meek. the disadvantaged. it's hard for me to relate to them. and in a certain way, it's hard for me to feel the way i "should" about them. like i should help them. i should feel extremely lucky and grateful for a privileged upbringing and that in turn, should allow me to show mercy to the masses. but i don't. i think part of it is because i've read alot about rand's feelings about the poor. and how they are second-handers. and are looking to sneak by on the generosity of others. when altruism is the ultimate evil, the seeking of altruism is equally bad.



but how do you translate those feelings into everyday life? for example, if i walk by a homeless person and they ask for money, i don't give them money. even if i have it. i do sometimes, but most of the time, my spare change stays in my pocket. because part of me is caught up in all that "they should help themselves" type of thing. and i know that it's unfair. because sometimes people can't help themselves. lives are not equal. people sometimes cannot help it if they are homeless and devoid of any means for survival. they have to beg, plead and borrow to make a living. i guess i approach homelessness in the most cynical way possible. that these are people who have not the will to work, and thus live off society and the misplaced generosity of others. all this is thought while i live in the comfort of my parent's house, smooching off their food and money, for going on twenty five years now.



rand almost espouses "slapping the homeless person's hand away" when they reach out for charity. because that is the most vile act. the asking of something when you have nothing to exchange. and i fully believe in this ideal. the exchange between people in any relationships. it's one thing for someone to give money because they want to, but quite another for that charity to be taken advantage of. and far worse for the man who expects charity.



i used to have to do alot of charity work in high school for key club--if sixty hours a semester counts as alot. we would go feed the homeless, talk to people, staff events, pick up trash, clean stadiums, whatever. and back then, it was just something to do. a requirement for a club for an empty slot on my transcript. since then, i've hardly done any charity work at all. and quite honestly, the only reason i would go would be if friends were going. i just don't believe in these causes, and i don't empathize with the plight of the poor. despite all the obvious injustices--economically, socially, environmentally--i can't bring myself to want to help.



i admire those who can. i respect their hearts. their ability to care for something that they don't have first hand experiences with. but i feel like, if anyone does anything, you should do it because you are clear about your goals are and what you hope to receive in return. and sadly for me, i don't get any sense of "good deeds" when i do charity work. i don't feel "better." even if that's not the point. the point is helping people. which i'm not too into, unless i know the people and can call them friends, or at least acquaintances. i know that these people are deserving of our help......but then again, do i know that? or am i just conditioned to think that? it's an issue that i want to find a clear answer to, or at least, my clear answer to.

when i first thought of volunteerism many years ago, i thought about being a nice person helping those in need. after reading her books, i was taught that no one has the right to my time, and that i should not live one minute of another person’s life for them, nor ask them to live one minute of my life. it all seemed simple, of course nobody had a right to my time, it was my time after all. however ayn rand believed volunteerism was evil only because it was forced upon people. i now have the courage to disagree. i want to help other people, being perfectly selfish is impossible for me, for i have a much kinder heart than ayn rand. unlike her, i do not believe that volunteerism is free labor, it’s a mutual agreement between two parties, and each side benefits from it. some may be supporting a cause they believe in, others may be rich and not need the money; i do it because i do not care about money. i care about the act of working and the final production not the money. this is one main modified idea that i’ve retained from ayn rand’s philosophy.



charity on the other hand is ayn rand’s nemesis. her main objection to charity is that it gives money to the undeserved, people who have not earned the money. i too had regarded charity with distaste. beyond the superficial dinners and special guests, i see an aristocratic form of mendicancy. however i do see the genuine goodness in charities and i am sympathic to their cause. it is just the money that bothers me; i believe money has to be earned not freely given out.

-paul ma, comparative expostulation of the self-

hot days, frigid nights. good cheesy title for something eh? not really. but it's the truth. the san diego of my memory has been replaced by this odd non-perfect weather we've been getting. pulling on sweatshirts, layering clothes, shivering in cold cars. these are not things associated with san diego. i try to travel always with a big blanket in my trunk, in case it gets exceptionally cold somewhere and someone starts freezing their arses off. call me consideration.



i was thinking about how friends have become family. and for some people, friends are more family than actual blood family. while this may be a sad state of affairs, it's kind of true. moms and dads and sisters and brothers are irreplaceable but now friends take such a prominent role in people's lives. people you grew up with, people you've told things to, people you're ultra-comfortable with, they become your family. and i've realized that sometimes what's missing (at least in my life) is that older person role. the parental figure who checks you and tells you when you shouldn't be doing something. friends are very supportive but as peers, they often have only so much maturity and wisdom to impart. and if you aren't that tight with your parents, where do you get the "mature" angle from?



who will watch you and guide you and help you along? it's gotta be someone who doesn't antagonize and nag you (thus ruling out parentals) but rather has walked a path before you and can point out the roadblocks. i don't have these kinds of people in my life. usually, i'm older or at the same age as anybody i'm close with. not that i'm really looking for a "mature" angle. i guess it's part of being conceited but i feel like my wisdom is good enough (realizing full well of course that it's not). i don't really like authority figures and people who tell me what to do. or tell me what they think i should do. i zone them out and unless i really respect them, i hardly think about what they have to say to me. i've had some older brotherly types in my life but they were more for fun purposes, and they were in no position to crack down on me.



do i need such a person? i'm inclined to think not. but in the family unit that friends have become, there seems to be a gaping hole in the "parent" role. then again, can friends fill that role? wisdom isn't age exclusive by any means so maybe one never needs that older person perspective. maybe i'll find out. maybe i wont.

i need to know. this DTR thing. meaning "define the relationship." is that a christian term? not as, is it in the bible, but as, is it in use mostly in christian fellowships and communities? i'd always thought it was. but perhaps it's just a regional thing or just a social slang thing that i was never aware of. the DTR is almost as interesting as a DDT....but not quite. answers. need'em.

i am yao ming. in another "yes we do all look the same" story. i'm checking out books and magazines from the library and the librarian (white, middle aged, female, white) does a double take when she scans one of the issues of sports illustrated (with yao on the cover). she says,"oh! i thought that was you!" riiiiiight. i am seven foot five inch. i am the first overall draft choice of the 2002 nba draft. i have short stilted out of proportion arms. i make millions of dollars. i just dropped twenty points (on nine of nine shooting) on the lakers. yeah, we're probably related....



and i heard on the radio today, some animal rights group wants everyone to adopt-a-turkey this thanksgiving as opposed to eating one. this isn't like adopt an endangered animal where you just send money and they take good care of the animal with your funds--then you get cute little pictures back. this group actually wants you to ADOPT a turkey. as in, take one home with you. "turkeys are excellent companions and will bring joy to your entire family." i'm all for animal rights and not eating turkeys on thanksgiving but to ask random people to start taking turkeys home with them in lieu of eating them? get off the crack! if you're gonna do that, just eat the damn turkey and save it some mistreatment and abuse since all your kids will be doing is pulling on the turkey's gizzard anyway. my gosh. if i ever walk into somebody's house and see a random stray turkey gobbling around because it was "saved." i would......i don't know what i would do. there's really no proper way to finish this sentence.

six million ways to die. choose one. a friend asked the other night, over coffee at dennys, if i would die for anything. a cause, an injustice, a person, a faith. anything. and after mulling it over a bit. i decided that there's nothing i would come close to dying for. i wouldn't even get maimed for anything. i don't think i love or care about anything enough to die for it. i don't even think i would want to die for myself. if that were possible. but i suppose in your mid-twenties you're not supposed to have anything to die for yet. although people do die. in their twenties. for something. just not me.



as a corollary, i was asked if perhaps i would die for freedom. and i answered that i didn't really know what lack of freedom was. because growing up in this country and this culture, you assume that you have it. freedom. and to try to postulate whether or not you would die for lack of it. is a little too hypothetical. would it be sad if i didn't have anything to die for when i'm older? or is that not sad at all?

there's a meteor shower tonight. the leonid one to be exact. it'll peak at about 2:30 am west coast time. so try to stay up for it. it could be the best meteor shower for the next century. and seeing as how none of us will be around for the next "greatest meteor shower on earth", a few hours of sleep is barely anything to sacrifice. then again, other meteor showers will show up once and again. and there's always the threat of nuclear explosions to send us into titillating convulsions. also, since this leonid thing is an annual event, it's probably got about as much excitement as fireworks every fourth of july. so go to bed. i'll tell you how cool the meteors were in the morning, since i'll be up anyway--saving the planet from orcs, elves and the occassional undead.



for the record, in a hundred years, if we aren't getting any closer to space exploration and terra-forming other planets, is life really gonna be worth living? i think not.



we're also having some record weather here in san diego. it's been as hot as eighty two today. the visibility is also quoted as "unlimited miles." how stellar is that? unlimited visibility up in here. up in here. the pressure is also 30.11 inches and rising. is that more or less than what you're feeling?

don't fake the funk on the nasty dunk. some people. try too hard. like, way too hard. it's a hard thing to pin down. trying too hard. you know it when you see it. like love. so yeah, it's pretty much un-see-able. but it's there. this overwhelming sense of needing to be "in." some people just exude it. a "take me take me!" type of stench. well, not a stench, because it's not a bad thing. but i digress. people learn, as they mature, that being accepted, and being in is really not all it's cracked up to be. as someone famously naughty (one of the rat pack i believe) once said: "any group that would have me as a member, i wouldn't want to be in." that's not the exact quote but close enough.



usually, people go through periods when they want to be a part of something. want to please certain people. want to gain that most elusive of things: respect, acceptance, and friends to bunch with. we need logos. "i'm with him" stickers. solidarity in numbers. that kind of thing. this period usually coincides with high school. and probably college. heck, this period probably started in elementary school. so basically, we're trying to be "in" our whole lives.



some people step outside of these boxes. and slip deftly and effortlessly in-between different groups and classifications. how much of their true selves they take with them is up to debate however. do all your friends see the same you? if i talk to andy and sally about toby, would they say the same thing about him? is it even important to keep the same "you" from group to group? or is it perfectly fine to switch skins as you move around.



this isn't important right now. the important thing is the "trying too hards". people will, surprisingly, accept you for who you are. there's no need to be too much anything. do as you do. and they will do back. or if they don't, do over. that's alot of do's. but it works.



i think that's what people learn. as they get older. to find their people. to find their niche. their spot. but sometimes, it seems like there is no niche. no people. no moses-es to cling to. no congregation. no peasants. no pro-you-tariats. no herd that wants to flock your way. and you're faced with the fact that you're just a single specimen, forever denied access to noah and his wonderful love boat. but that's okay too. because as long as you're still you, nothing could be worse. except for you know, that solitary confinement loneliness thing. but hey. it's better than being fake.

that still small voice which interprets the dictates of conscience. it's a funny thing. lying to yourself. denying the obvious facts so that you can come out cleaner than that bald guy. sometimes, you are forced to do certain "bad" things so you rationalize it away. like it's not so bad. and it's not wrong. it's just a matter of perspective. i really believe in absolute rights and wrongs. but in everyday life, absolute wrongs are so hard to define. and are evil thoughts really the same as evil deeds? never! thoughts don't hurt people. people hurt people!



i guess i'm not even talking about things as deep as evils. just some nebulous grey area things that you probably wouldn't tell anyone but your best friends. if even them. to speak something makes it concrete. it shows the world that you have this thought, this idea. even if it doesn't mean much in the long run, it's still hard to express things that you would rather just remain your own. but then there's a part of you which is just bursting to tell someone. that's why you need someone who is out there, out of your social sphere. someone who is totally trustworthy and totally willing to take anything you say in stride.



where do you find these people? among your friends? your peers? your contemporaries? in the pages of your journal? on the internet? in chat rooms? at 1-800 lines? i'm sometimes afraid to put down certain thoughts because it seems like once you commit something to paper, it's so permanent. and really, the only reason to put it down anywhere is so that you can remember what you felt at one exact moment. and if it's slightly embarassing or bad, who wants to risk that being discovered? not i. nor me. said the flea.



and how shocking is it when you're thinking something and you're kind of smirking to yourself, and then suddenly someone calls you out on your "secret" thought. as if the whole thing was dangling in mid-air like a cartoon balloon, just waiting for anyone to come over and read it. shocking i tell ya. shocking. but kind of funny too.

i've known rivers:

i've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the flow of human blood in human veins.



my soul has grown deep like the rivers.



i bathed in the euphrates when dawns were young.

i built my hut near the congo and it lulled me to sleep.

i looked upon the nile and raised the pyramids above it.

i heard the singing of the mississippi when abe lincoln went down to new orleans, and i've seen its muddy bosom turn all golden in the sunset.



i've known rivers:

ancient, dusky rivers.



my soul has grown deep like the rivers.

-langston hughes, the negro speaks of rivers-

children and other small things. it's so easy to curry favor with children. give them candy and gifts when they're in their formative stages and they'll love you forever. they'll hold you up as someone they like. and when they grow into young adults/teenagers, they'll keep that image of you in their mind. that's what happens to me, with uncles and aunts and older people. it's a bit shattering when you learn that they may not be these great people. that they have huge crippling flaws that make them not such a good person. but i guess as long as you continue to get the candy, you can keep certain perceptions alive.



everyone wants to be complimented. to be told the "right" things. and it makes you feel good. sometimes that borders on narcissism to the nth degree. because you have a tendency to like the people that like you. if they verbally tell you things that you like about yourself. it's like you say "oh, they see the real me." and when people say hurtful things or things that seem hurtful, is there a tendency to tune that out? should these comments be taken more seriously though? because in every statement is a germ of truth? i tend to let bad things slide off. toss them aside because "they just don't understand." but what if they do. what if these people see the truth and aren't deluded by what you present but actually see past all that? accepting all that is part of it too.



how do you tell people things that you see as self evident but will ultimately be hurtful. can you see these things within yourself? do you want to know? will it hurt us if i tell you? is it far better to be silent and supportive? calling someone out, that's truth. that's also bitterness and unawareness. but it's all interconnected to who you are and what you are. people don't want to be exposed but you can't hide forever. it's impossible.

let's dance! i know you got the feeling. i wish more people were here on wednesdays and thursdays in san diego. all the good spots to dance are on those days. free, casual, good music. just lacking......the party to go. as it were. even as much as clubbing has lost all its appeal to me, i miss friends. and people.....bunching. but then again, AIMing for a few hours yesterday at work kind of brought that up because all the working (and non-working) michigan people had a chat room. and you know how much fun that can be. some weeks, you reap the benefits of what you sow and good things just happen right after the other. non-stop machine gun style. this is definitely one of those weeks. it's hard to believe it's already thursday. my life is a little blessed right now......i look at my "schedule" sometimes and realize the weekend's right around the corner. i usually do this on tuesday. yup, blessed.



they should never close the beach. never. isn't that the point of a beach? to be open all the time?

the world is going crazy. manute bol is about to lace up some skates and play ice hockey. seriously. and the globetrotters lost to maryland. and on top of that, cedric ceballos is a globetrotter. is there no end to the madness? i love sports.

the uniqueness of american culture is this: rebellion. our country was forged through rebellion and we've sustained consistent growth by seeking new revolutions. the american dream is not only the ability to make lots of money and to be become all powerful. it also incorporates the spirit of dissension. the lowliest person on the evolutionary ladder can scream at the highest person. and in true american fashion, we respect the intent, if not always the message. we are all about the underdogs. of course capitalism and convention are pushing right back against all this independence but that's another story altogether.



a fundamental american principle is to always question authority. there is nothing more powerful than your own mind. and even if someone older or smarter or wiser tells you differently, you go on thinking what you're thinking. do as you do. (this does lead to a preponderance to judge people. because we tend to think that we are always right.) we laugh at the mistakes of our political and cultural heroes because every time they fuck up, they remind us that we're all the same. and it empowers us to think independently. of course this leads to a nation of malcontents and hypocrites but hey. nothing's perfect.



america is chaos on the biggest level. and we succeed in spite of it. or maybe because of it. most other cultures are bogged down in tradition and order. we flaunt casual fridays. i'm really not proud to be an american. but i love having grown up in america. and i suppose that might mean i love america.

-forgot where this is from-

cuz sharing is caring. there are times when people share things about themselves that seem to jump ahead of where you are in the friendship. i like that. when suddenly you find yourself finding out about someone and something that you probably shouldn't be finding out about until a bit later on the friendship curve. there are times when i meet someone, talk to them for a while, which turns into a long while....and the next day, life is suddenly totally different. because you've got a new friend that you feel incredibly close to. you've got a new perspective. you've got that shiny feeling like a new penny. i pretty much live for these moments.



and there are times when people expose themselves (not in that way) and show you their vulnerabilities and speak so frankly and honestly about something that you can't help but feel terribly special because they trusted you despite the lack of history between you. these are also pretty dope on the friend-o-meter.



on the flip side. there are times when people seem so very interesting but you just never get the opportunity to step up to that next level with them. and you're left constantly wondering about what they're like and what they think about. when i meet someone who i want to know better, i want to just absolutely devour them. know everything about them ASAP. and when that happens, it's great. when it doesn't happen, it makes me antsy.



people sometimes give you things totally out of the blue. physical things. like presents--commonly referred to in the vernacular as gifts--that you never expect and are semi-shocked to receive. but then you are so extremely grateful and thankful. and it's nice knowing that somebody has put forth the effort to grab something at random because it made them think of you. so. for the record. when you see apple emac....think jon.



alot of times, "thank you's" don't seem enough. just like "sorry" is so often inadequate. there really should be words that express the varying different degrees of "thank you" and "sorry." if the eskimos have a ton of words for snow, shouldn't we have hundreds of words for things that are important to us? i guess stuff like "gratitude" and "i feel your pain" are similar but they really come not so close to the meaning of "thank you" and "sorry."



there's alot of people i want to thank this weekend. and most of them, i didn't thank (yet?). so i guess i'll just psychically do it. and hope that my fledgling telepathic powers are in full effect. it's the thought that counts right?

okay. so you remember that music game we sometimes play when we're in big groups? two teams try to sing song battle back and forth with a certain word contained in the lyrics? like the word could be "blue" and the two teams take turns singing songs with the word "blue" in it. well. this guy, a certain jonathan harel, has made all the lyrics link to each other. by the word. so for example: you could click on "life" and get 802 songs with the word life in it. do you know the ramifications of this wonderful discovery? yeah. neither do i.

twenty-five years and my life is still

trying to get up that great big hill of hope

for a destination

and i realized quickly when i knew i should

that the world was made up of this brotherhood of man

for whatever that means

and so i cry sometimes

when i'm lying in bed

just to get it all out

what's in my head

and i am feeling a little peculiar

-4 non blondes, what's up-

everyone should really explore this site. religious tolerance dot org. how anyone can remain totally ignorant and un-curious about religion is beyond me. something that demands the attention of 90% of the world in one form or another needs to be thought about. even in the most cursory manner. god is important people. the existence or lack thereof is up to debate but why live without purpose and direction? if religion is the opiate of the masses don't you at least want to see what all the fuss is about? that's pretty much why i like religion so much. if everyone else thinks about it so damn much, maybe i should too. *baa*baa* okay, i'm done rambling religiously for the day. peace.

digging for kryptonite. after a few times at bible study, one time at fellowship, two times at church, one time at a seekers group, i can clearly define why i'm going to these things. even though i'm not really there for any real religious purpose, i can feel my mind moving when we have something to talk about. but this movement of the mind is far different than four years ago. i'm able to mostly completely suspend disbelief at bible study. i jot down questions but pretty much answer them myself. sometimes, i'll ask the question anyway just to make sure the answer i think it is is the actual answer. but most of the time, the questions i'm concerned about are personal perspectives. what individual christians think about this issue, or how they apply this particular lesson in their lives. i'm no longer interested in arguing semantics. i'm no longer interested in arguing. i'm past the point of trying to figure out why this is right or why that is wrong. i could care less about challenging christianity's tenets. except for practice. it's odd, the farther i move away from christianity, the more interested i am in it. does anyone go to church to disbelieve in god? i think it's partly because i'm so disassociated from it that it becomes almost like anthropology. and that's what it is right now. it's not philosophy and/or religion. it's anthropology and sociology. approaching it from this angle is so different than how i did it in the past. demanding answers answers answers. it's like i've given up on the answers and am content just to concentrate on the questions.



still, lots of things irk me during bible study. mostly the bible study part. semi-ironic (unless irony is dead). but i guess you have to take the study of the bible along with the discussion part. bible study is a time for studying the bible after all. it does strike me that it must be difficult and intimidating for non-christians to enter this world. many terms are unfamiliar. many characters are unidentified. someone jumping directly into church or fellowship must be bombarded with all sorts of crazy lingo and ideas. i guess over time, if they stick around, they'll gain some insight into what those words and terms refer to. but i feel like sometimes, christians trying to illustrate their point with passages and stories from the bible, put the two before the one and say things that go right over people's heads. and i think that many people are afraid to ask "who is that?" or "what does that mean?" most of that stems from thinking that words of wisdom are spilling out of the book and the earthly mouth i guess. and that prevents them from asking some basic questions out of uncomfortability, or straight comfortability in ignorance. otherwise known as indifference.



and to those who ask "how is bible study?" bible study is good. really good. i chafe at some things. i smile/snicker to myself alot. i write down things i want to think about later on any available scraps of paper. i zone out some. i mentally note ridiculous totally irrelevant stories. i gather fuel for the fire. but then decide not to light it. i bite my tongue alot. i flick the little metal clasp on my bible back and forth a billion times. i see god sometimes. not the christian god. but god. i hear profound voices. audible and inaudible. i stare off into the distance alot. i like the fact that in a post-collegiate christian group, nobody is really there for the social events. if you've made the effort to come out on a work night, you're here to meet christ. and that is the type of dedication i would expect. i get bored some. i wonder what everyone is thinking. i listen to what people say, and then try to see if they're pulling punches. i wish bible study was less pc. i wish there was more rudeness and swearing. maybe just the former, the latter isn't really necessary. i'm impatient. i want to get to the point quickly. i try to be aware of how other people are taking things in. i wonder if i'll ever stop abstaining from praying. i wonder what my mom talks about in her bible study. i wish people used their own vocabulary when explaining things. and not the same words over and over again. this is however, no fault of their own. i wish the words "trust" and "love" and "faith" was defined as often as it is thrown around. i want to visit a mosque.

white teeth. i'm reading this wonderful book. i've had my eye on it forever. but i never had the money to spare at a bookstore so finally i decided to go to the library to see if they had a copy. lo and behold, it was there, in all it's laminated paperback glory. free books for reading. i've rediscovered the wonders of the public library and i've got books and magazines spilled everywhere in my room. anyway. this book. is so damn well written. it makes me ashamed to be of my generation because zadie smith is hardly older than me and she can do such great things. then again, mozart completed his first symphony by age nine. so piss on that.



irie, looking strangely like the crowd on top of the wall in her everyday garb of CND badges, graffiti-covered trousers, and beaded hair, shook her head in saddened disbelief. she was that age. whatever she said burst like genius into centuries of silence. whatever she touched was the first stroke of its kind. whatever she believed was not formed by faith but carved from certainty. whatever she thought was the first time such a thought had ever been thunk.

love is a vampire. i just saw the 1939 version of wuthering heights the other night. for class of course. it was pretty good, in that old black and white movie kind of way. what struck me most is what heathcliff says at the end to catherine.



to give some of you the semi-plot because heaven knows, not everyone read this book (although it was much better than i could of ever imagined)..... heathcliff and catherine grew up together and have this super eternal love bond but catherine spites him to marry a rich guy. and then heathcliff vows to take revenge on her, blah blah. at the end however, at catherine's death bed, while everyone else is praying for her to ascend to heaven, heathcliff says that he wants to curse her to become a ghost as long as he lives. that way, she can be by his side forever. and he pleads with her to take any form to be with him. even if it means he has to be haunted by her while he lives. and then after that, they can join each other in death.



how.....cute. this is supposed to a great gothic love story and while that part of it doesn't quite excite me, the originality of him cursing her to become a ghost so that they can be together forever touches a cord within me. it's like romantic and lovely but also kind of sick in a way because he's so damn selfish he won't let her spirit rest until his does. i like that. don't you?

the wheels on the bus go round and round. how does one stay happy amidst uncertainty and cloudy futures? that's the question i get asked alot. i mean. my life is pretty much headed to nowhere and i'm pedaling really hard with no wheels attached. yet, i stay tremendously happy most of the time. ok. tremendously might be an overstatement. but happy. i'm solidly happy. people are going through tough times and having lots of issues and here i sit, gloriously procrastinating away. trying to muster up the motivation to write my silly two page paper and my list poem. both of which are due tomorrow. both of which would take about half an hour. but instead, i've squandered yet another day wandering around the house. from family room to kitchen. to upstairs. to the computer. to the bathroom. to the kitchen. to outside. to the couch. and back again. twelve hours ago i promised that i would sit down and do my stupid paper, slap down some words and put in line breaks to make poetry. but i haven't done any of the above. and yet i'm happy. if a bit hesitant about my ability to wake up tomorrow. wheeeeee!!!



this is either the beginning of a long night or a terribly short one. depends on if i lie down or not. i try to challenge my willpower and semi lie down on my bed, in hopes that my responsible side will kick in ten minutes later and i'll jump up with renewed vigor and finish my work. my procrastination dragon and responsibility knight fight epic battles nightly. right around one o'clock. guess which one loses every time? i think i need a bigger horse. or a bigger lance. whoa. those are bad connotations. i need a bigger knight. or a smaller dragon. yup. smaller dragon. i'll take one of those for five hundred.

i just wrinkle my brow and stare at your lips. you know those moments when you first meet someone? or better yet, hang out with someone semi-alone for the first time? and you're in that weird stage of comfortability but then slip into "gee, i just met this person." it's hard to fight. sometimes the *clicking* that happens when you meet new friends and kick it with people goes up and down so fast, one moment you're laughing your head off like old friends and the next moment you're back to silence and shadowed gazes and drumming your head for questions. luckily, the fact that there is even any clickage is good. although there are times when both parties realize that you'll probably never see each other so you just sit in silence rather than waste perfectly good thoughts and words. that's kind of awkward.



i hate it when you don't think you'll ever see a person again so you really make no effort to be talkative or social but then you end up seeing them all over the place. and then you're sort of stuck in this negative limbo space of "oh we've met before but last time i didn't really want to talk to you. at all." and really, the whole thing about being personable is asking questions. socialness isn't hard. it's just questions followed by more questions. the hard part is conveying interest. half the time when i meet people, i could really care less if they asked me questions, i just bombard them with a zillion questions so that they talk on and on. it's less draining that way i find. especially now. trying to meet and greet and "tell a little bit about yourself" is just not in the stars recently. but that doesn't mean i'm not interested. so if i ask you lots of questions, don't be offended. i just want to get past the whole "basic info" part of the friendship game and move onto the comfortable silences era.



people should really walk around with 411 and info cards to hand out instead of business cards. so you can look and see if anything interests you. this whole discovering as you go thing in conversation is sometimes overrated. gimme the good stuff up front and don't bore me. this is just my feeling on this subject for today. adherence to this idea varies by season, if not more often.

mayfly for october. one giant step for mankind. two steps forward. one step back. do the hokey pokey and shake it all about.

this poem about marriage was quoted in reality bites, one of the greatest movies of all time. an excerpt.



should i get married? should i be good?

astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and faustus hood?

don't take her to movies but to cemeteries

tell all about werewolf bathtubs and forked clarinets

then desire her and kiss her and all the preliminaries

and she going just so far and i understanding why

not getting angry saying you must feel! it's beautiful to feel!

instead take her in my arms lean against an old crooked tombstone

and woo her the entire night the constellations in the sky

-gregory corso, marriage-

ultimate wedding. went to the most picturesque perfect wedding one could of imagined this weekend. me and george's childhood friend, helen, was getting married after nearly six years of relationship bliss with her boyfriend. the wedding was located in beautiful palos verdes, overlooking the city and the beach. sadly, the sunset didn't coincide with the ceremony but that was the only thing that went wrong (except for maybe george's slight mishap). we, the twins, were the guestbook greeters. which basically meant i stood around while george smiled and greeted people and handed out "programs." helen made all the little wedding items herself. the name things for dinner. the little message cards (in lieu of an actual guestbook). and this wasn't no five and dime cut-and-paste job, the pieces were extremely detailed, with intricate little flowers and other decoration.



helen looked absolutely beautiful. her dress was off the hook. she had a little tiara too. it was a non-traditional wedding, chinese and jewish, and that created some cool synergy. they pulled off a service that respected and celebrated both cultures, and even had pumpkin pie instead of a traditional wedding cake. the groomsmen were all comedians. all four of them gave hilarious speeches and helen's dad topped them all with a speech referring to helen as "an ugly duckling" in her youth. you can't beat asian parents for unexpected humor.



my last wedding experience was much smaller and more intimate and compared to that, helen's wedding was much bigger, one hundred thirty people. you seriously could of filmed the wedding for a movie. it was oddly touching and you know how some weddings seem stale and give you that feeling of "that's it?!" this wedding was just "it." the it wedding. i have so many cliches i could say about this wedding. "i've never seen her so happy...blah blah." and all of it would be true. rarely does real life live up to imagination. and this time i would have to say it did. i sound like a wanna-be bride but honestly, if you had gone to this wedding, you would feel that way too.



i saw a few parental figures from our childhood and they kept exclaiming how tall we were. we met some girl who used to live on our street at high country west. i saw my old blind-date prom date from many years ago. i wanted to go say hi and i'm pretty sure we were both aware of each other, but we didn't say anything. kinda stupid really. next time i'll have to just say hi. a weird part of me just avoids situations like that.