shorts, of all kinds, are very, very wrong. they are unfortunate with hairy, knobbily legs shooting out of them, boring when covering the tiny bum of a skaterboader or indie rocker, and disturbing when pressed against a wide, flat ass. most of all, of course, they are tragic when revealing -- from a lawnchair, a bicycle, a rollercoaster -- the soft, distressingly vulnerable curve of a gentleman's apparatus rotundatus.



in a word: shorts are pants, emasculated. emasculating.

-jessica pressler, springtime for shithead: what women wish you'd wear-



squawk. this revelation is kind of a big problem for me. shorts are bad? but i love shorts! my favorite "what happened when you moved to michigan" story is the one involving little jon never having owned jeans or casual pants. "well, what did you wear before then?" shorts! but now i find out that girls hate shorts. not that what girls' think should matter but they do know a little something about clothes don't they? and for sure, while shorts are mainly about breezy comfort, it's also about wearing the right kind of shorts. actually i'm somewhat of a shorts snob since just yesterday i pointed out to gene, somewhat disdainfully, that "hey, you're wearing corduroy shorts?" i'm not a big supporter of corduroy, as you should know.



the only shorts i can support, and that can consequently support me, are khaki shorts. or maybe gray. i'm beginning to discover the world of gray shorts. and with shorts, the more holes, buttons, zips, pockets, and potential gadgets the better. the shorts material must be either light and cool to the touch or a nice synthetic blend that won't fuzz over. if you are confused, ask to touch mine. "ask" being the operative word in that sentence.



i've tried many colors of shorts in my time: green, blue, jean, tan, red, striped, black, brown. i think i even had snow white shorts once. let's just gloss over that. most of these colors don't come close to working. in particular i'm really against jean shorts. actually no, i'm against striped shorts even more but nobody in this day and age would be that dumb. right? right. so with jean shorts, the problem i have with them is more of a personal bias, since jean shorts just don't appeal to me very much. too heavy and it tends to not breathe well, defeating the whole purpose of shorts in the first place. but in general, jean shorts are the hardest type of shorts to pull off. some people i know can do it well, but don't try it unless you are ready. just a hint, light colored jean shorts are the worst by far. many a jean short has killed an otherwise fine outfit. remember, when in doubt, stay home.



despite my passion and defensiveness for them, after reading the various ladies talk about the nastiness associated with shorts, i do begin to see their point. shorts do expose terrible hairy legs. and shorts lead directly to mandals and flip flops. both auto fails in my book. maybe not flip flops. well actually, yeah. auto fail, sorry. also, if the shorts are too short, an awful amount of untanned leg (heavens no, is that a thigh i spy?) could be revealed. heck, an entire white leg is probably revealed anyway. ugh. some people are just not born to wear shorts. i'm sure god gave you a better immune system or something to compensate for your loss.



a side note on socks. if you are going to wear shorts, you must wear low low ankle socks. nothing else will cut it. unless you are trying to wear knee highs, then it's okay.



you ask, "what about those shorts that are so long they are cargo-ish in length? are those okay? once again, individual preference. rock what you can, return what you can't. it's simple. the return policy is not a gimmick, use it and abuse it. one major point that the stylish ladies made was about the state of athletic shorts used as everyday attire. it's despicable. absolutely despicable. it never looks good unless paired with a ball-like item in hand. it just doesn't. i know many many people who do this. walk around during the summer with their basketball shorts, pretending like this is suitable attire. it's not. in miami, during a fateful week four years ago, louis wore his michigan basketball shorts all over the place. i wanted to tell him, i needed to tell him, to invest in some real shorts. but i didn't have the heart. i mean we were on spring break, i wanted him to have a good time, it seemed like he was having a good time, i didn't want to shatter his precious little heart. in louis' defense, we were near a beachy area and playing lots of basketball, so maybe it was mildly acceptable. but put away the nikes and adidas gentlemen, pull on some real shorts.



it's funny, as i look at the male friends around me, i can't help but notice that hong seems to break every one of these "springtime for shithead" rules. his normal spring/summer style? tanktops, basketball shorts and sandals (not mandals thank god). this fact amuses me to no end. and while we're on the topic of bottom wear, can you believe that up until sophomore year of college babbs wore tapered pants? this i cannot bewieve. and i'm sure, neither can you. but he revealed this tidbit to us last weekend and he assures me that it's true. some friend of his had to take him into a karl kani store and say "no more brian, you got to get these *pulling a baggy jean off the rack*." and so began the transformation into the four of five that he is today. the end.