i got your flair right here. this will be the one of my three submissions for a part time restaurant review job i hope to fool my way into. the ad asks for people who "must have a flair for creative, vivid writing." tell me if it works. tell me if this has anything to do with food. tell me if i should clearly hang on to my day job.



an employee of mcdonald's greeted me as soon as i opened the glass doors. "sir, the floor is wet, be careful, try not to slip." what a handy tip i thought to myself, isn't it nice of them to have "caution: wet floor" signs stationed at every entrance? and the furious yellow color of the signs went very well with the restaurant's decor. yellow trim on splashes of red reminded me tastefully of my cantankerous hunger and my need for french fries. stepping up to the head of the queue, i asked the maitre’d slash head waitress slash floor mopper, "i've heard you've got the best fries in town, which size would you recommend?"



with an engaging smile and flashing eyes, she immediately responded with, "the ratio of saturated fat to potato in our super size fries is the lowest, plus you get the most value for your money. the total savings amounts to nearly three cents. you could, of course, try the large size but for a man of your stature, i would definitely recommend the super. in addition, by ordering the house special, you would get both a large drink and a hamburger along with those fries. that sir, is our undisputed best value, aside from filet-o-fish fridays; but that's only available on friday's, and today is clearly a wednesday."



confused by the barrage of information but impressed with her excellent enunciation and overall helpfulness, i decided to rely on her superior taste and obvious experience. "i'll take one of those super sized fries but i'm not really a meat eater. would it be possible to get the fries as an entree item as opposed to an appetizer? is there an extra charge or a larger plate with that option?" as it turns out, all of mcdonald's menu items were presented with unsurpassed versatility, capable of doubling as an appetizer or as an entree. my winsome server informed me that some people even chose to eat french fries as dessert. despite being shocked by the audacity of our modern day youth, i silently promised to put aside a few fries, to be later consumed as "dessert." when in rome...



the pricing structure at mcdonald's seems to be very competitive. my fries came out to a grand total of two ninety five, my water was free, and my fifteen percent tip was not only rejected by my charming lolita but put into a contribution box towards a children's charity -- with my approval of course. i felt like i was not only feeding myself by choosing to eat at mcdonald's but also doing my part to fill the coffers of hungry children everywhere.



my fries arrived in nanoseconds, an individual batch expertly scooped and separated from a heaping haystack with just a flick of the wrist. as lilly -- her name was on her name tag-- handed me my bag of gold, she smiled once again and said "have a nice day!" have a nice day. okay, now i will! not wanting to leave this happy place quite yet, i slid into a booth near the door and watched as lilly served the two customers who were behind me. my heart sank a little at the sight of her beaming smile, clearly not reserved for just me, but i couldn't help but be impressed with her consistency. look up, smile, take an order, smile, ring the register, smile.



my fries were a study in contrasts. the delicate interior of the fry combined with the harsh crispness of the outer layer made it feel like a menagerie had escaped into my mouth. much like snowflakes, no fry was identical. some were short, some were long, some were extra crispy, some were entirely mushy. once in awhile the excess oil dripped onto my table but most of the time it dripped onto my chin. dipped in the tangy tomato sauce, the fries proved to be even better than sex. the head chef must have searched long and hard for the sauce recipe that so perfectly complemented these fries. when no fries were left wilting in the designer box, i felt exhausted, as if my fry eating experience had just been an epic adventure. big, little, crispy, mushy, oily, not oily, it was too much to handle. bravo mcdonald's, bravo.



you can find a mcdonald's around every block, sometimes even two located right across from each other on the same block. keep in mind however, that each mcdonald's location has a distinct personality of its own and after sampling the atmosphere of quite a few, my favorite has to be the mcdonald's located on the corner of balboa and park. something about that particular mcdonald's just really makes it stand out. it might be the playpen, it might be the ronald mcdonald statue, either way, the ten to fifteen minute wait in line was always well worth it.



mcdonald's: the service, the selection, the friendly smiles, what kind of dining nirvana had i wandered into? remember that each time you frequent your favorite mcdonald's you can take comfort in their unofficial slogan, "over one billion served," making your own experience, "over one billion served, plus me, because i'm special."