i am on michael lau's jock. he makes vinyl figurines. and sells them for over a hundred fifty dollars a pop. whoa sick'em. i want to collect them all. all the cool ones anyway. which means all of them. crap. where am i going to get millions of dollars to finance my new vinyl figurine collection? he has a line of little hip hop guys. and some of them even look asian (not that it matters. because i'm an equal opportunity figurine lover). i think i'm in love. i've found my little pint sized obsessions. this could keep me going for years. who needs girls when you can spend a buck fifty on limited edition, respect garnering, eye pleasing, six inch rubber things bursting with fun and individuality? michael's homepage is here. but it's in chinese. so i can't read it.

believe me. i know cool when i see it. and nyc bloggers is way cool. the design and implementation is incredibly well done. and let's not forget the idea. wow. i wish i was smart enough to have thought of something like this. i wish i still lived in new york so i could put my blog on it. actually, i've never lived in new york. just new jersey. so i'm just like the other millions of wannabe new yorkers. i think i'm gonna pretend i live with greg and register under his subway stop.

i purchased inspiration today. at barnes and noble. two pieces of it. one for fifteen dollars and another for six. exorbitant prices i'm sure. for a pair of magazines. in my defense, frank had a ten percent discount card. i hate going to magazine racks. because i get to see/read about people doing all these cool and wonderful things-- in the music, athletic, vehicular, lifestyle, hobby, writing, graphic design, photography, computer, everything worlds.



reading a stack of magazines always leaves me with a deflated sinking feeling. because after i've gorged on the ideas of others, i have to leave the world of glossy paper and think about what i can do. in the real world. i want to be one of those people in the magazines. or behind the magazines. heck, i might even be happy selling these magazines and getting invites to special parties and cool events..... the highs and lows of browsing the magazine rack at a major bookstore are indescribable.



normally, i don't buy anything, because i figure that i can just read what i want in the store, with jamba juice in hand. but today, i took the bold step of spending a little over twenty dollars for two magazines (flaunt and big). daring. adventurous. ultimately perhaps a waste of money. but my intentions are good.

"While the racket of the philosophizing mystics rested on the claim that man is unable to know the external world, the racket of the psychologizing mystics rests on the claim that man is unable to know his own motivation. The ultimate goal is the same: the undercutting of man's mind." -ayn rand-



What do you make of this? Do you think that man is capable of understanding his own motivation?

posted by The Wizard



I would say that if you don't think so, then you aren't really a man. Or a woman. I mean, honestly. We know our motivations. Deep down. Or even very consciously, we know why we do things. And the only reason we appear confused is so that we can remain slippery when grasped for reason by other people.

posted by Tin Man



Whoa. Hum. I thought that was just you? Are you sure everyone does this?

posted by The Wizard



I think some people have gotten so used to not examining their motivations-- so in essence, they are reacting from instinct-- that they are actually confused. But that is just being dishonest with yourself. I don't care if you lie to me. But don't lie to yourself. Admit why you do things. So you don't have to be in an epic drama all the time.

posted by Tin Man



That's perhaps a little harsh don't you think?

posted by The Wizard



Perhaps. But it's true.

if you don't like the way your blog looks and you want a change. and you don't want to pay me five hundred gajillion dollars for my "work". you can go to blogskins. it's really easy to set up and use. you might have to modify some of it though. and re-add whatever comment system you use. but to redecorate a little, blogskins has a cornucopia of designs. of course, you could just let the might of your words stand alone but goodness knows, i'm too superficial to just have a blank space with type. maybe we're different. i dunno.

top five ways to get the attention of random females in a social setting

how the @#$! would i know?

and if i did know, would i really say

but let me assure you, i don't really know

this is just a plea for help

if u came here looking for answers

we should probably not hang out much

it's been a long long weekend. from thursday till tuesday. not that any weekend is really that different from my normal life. i don't work. i don't have set responsibilities. so really i just feel drained from too much fun. and the fact that i'm on the verge of complaining about it will probably sicken others. so i won't complain. it does suck when people pull away from the driveway though. after fun. and you go back inside and feel kind of empty. i get that feeling alot. i guess because we do so much coming and going. but without the going, there would be no coming. so it all works out.



a run down of this weekend would probably put people to sleep. but hell. i have nothing better to say. we watched lots of movies. ocean's eleven. the others. mulholland drive (which really deserves it's own entry. later). we went out three times. once in LA and twice down here. george came down. my cousins came down. susan and ana came down. nearly everyone else came home (except for gaga who went up. but for good reason). so we had lots of cars. and lots of single drivers. and lots of belated plans. and lots of "what do we do now's?" and lots of staying up late. waking up late, and lots eating. all par for the course. i wish everyone had two way pagers. i'm attracted to them for some reason. not attracted in a sick drooling way. but just in a "i wish everyone had one" way. big difference. i was also distantly attracted to some hot girls at the beach. but no more about that.



adam defied gravity and stunned us with a throwing exhibition. and james didn't eat the excess fat and junk from a prime rib. even for fifty dollars. i met some of george's sdsu friends. and i'd never really met any of george's friends before, so i was finally reduced to just, "jon. george's brother." i felt really special at the clubs because we either (a) gave the bouncer $20 and a hint of cleavage to skip the line or (b) skipped the line and had coupons for discounts at the door. i felt like a F-list celebrity and slightly important. i wanted to smirk at the people in line but then i remembered that that's usually me, so i resisted.



there was also some panty shopping involved. and some talks about porn and strip clubs and nuns and *bleep*....... but who needs to hear about that? i'm pretty much partied out. my knee is dancing functional. i need to burn more CDs. just got my last two hepatitis shots. my arms are sore. i need to decide by tonight when/if i return to china. so yup. big day.



note to self: this is apparently what it feels like to have a life. and not to have the time nor the inclination to blog everyday. how novel a life approach.

"Friendship presupposes two firm, independent, reliable, and responsible personalities."

the boston celtics. biggest fourth quarter comeback ever!!! hullo. i love them. it's over. the truth. antoine. kenny anderson. tony battie (who?). you are my heroes. suck on that new jersey. i love the celtics.....you should too.

there is revolution abrewing. i kind of almost smell it. it's occured to me recently that this decade will most likely be one of huge upheaval and change. not just because we're in our twenties, hurtling towards our thirties. but because the world is expanding exponentially. or rather. the world is collapsing inward. it's getting smaller and we are becoming increasingly interconnected. i feel like we are the first generational wave to be composed of highly educated and highly motivated people. but we're often lacking in the inspiration department. it's different. inspiration and motivation. you can easily define your motivations: financial stability, personal stability, romantic stability, etc. but inspiration is from somewhere deeper and higher. inspiration also comes and goes with the seasons. leaving us feeling alternately full of life and full of shit. we have been trained to hold onto our motivations though. so that we can achieve goals and move forward with our lives. even when we are devoid of inspiration.



the point is that i feel like great social and cultural upheaval will occur this decade. even if it is only a small movement. and it only affects the people of our generation. i want to be a part of this upheaval. or at least be in a position to witness it. even if that means i have to be the cameraman while other people do things. i want to be somewhere on the sidelines. and not sitting in the stands. or maybe i just really want to feel a part of something greater. but maybe everyone feels this way.



ironically. as fast as the world is expanding, it seems like the majority of us twenty somethings are fighting to carve out our own little niches. to create a comfortable space where we......feel comfortable. and while that is very important for personal sanity, i'm really afraid that in pursuit of this bubble, i'll lose sight of weightless inspirations. and only be left standing somewhere. holding a useless bag of bulky motivations.

the uniqueness of american culture is this: rebellion. our country was forged through rebellion and we've sustained consistent growth by seeking new revolutions. the american dream is not only the ability to make lots of money and to be become all powerful. it also incorporates the spirit of dissension. the lowliest person on the evolutionary ladder can scream at the highest person. and in true american fashion, we respect the intent, if not always the message. we are all about the underdogs. of course capitalism and convention are pushing right back against all this independence but that's another story altogether.



a fundamental american principle is to always question authority. there is nothing more powerful than your own mind. and even if someone older or smarter or wiser tells you differently, you go on thinking what you're thinking. do as you do. we delight in the mistakes of our political and cultural heroes because every time they fuck up, they remind us that we're all the same. and that nobody is ever one hundred percent right. and all this empowers us to think more for ourselves.. of course this leads to a nation of malcontents and hypocrites but hey. nothing's perfect.



america is chaos on the biggest level. and we succeed in spite of it. or maybe because of it. most other cultures are bogged down in tradition and order. we flaunt casual fridays. i'm really not proud to be an american. but i love having grown up in america. and i suppose that might mean i love america. even against my will.

there's a mild disturbance in the force. i think blogspot blogs are down. i can't figure out why. one way to avoid the dreaded "page not found" problem is to post something and publish it. that might mean you would have to write an entry. but really, it's not so painful. try it.

sketchers has a hot new shoe. they're marketing it as the "four wheeler." correct me if i'm wrong here. but isn't a shoe with four wheels a roller skate? does four wheeler really sound that much cooler? was roller skate trademarked or something? doesn't the name "sketchers skates" roll off the tongue slightly better than "sketchers four wheeler?" then again, they are kind of cool. i once saw a girl wearing a baby blue pair and that was pretty hot.



yet another example of why i'm not going to make it in the real world. i would inadvertantly filter out all the money making asinine ideas in search of original cool ideas. this is maybe why i have no marketable skills.

fifteen swords for $199.95. with stretch pay that's only two easy payments of $99.98. how tempting. what the hell would one do with fifteen swords though? i'm always inclined to look at all these knife/sword deals on qvc. i channel surf and then i get sucked in when the guy talks about things like the twenty inch "dragon slayer." wow. dragon slayer! but then you stop and think about it. twenty inches. what kind of pansy ass dragon are you expecting to slay with twenty inches of non-magical, perfectly ordinary, stainless steel? do you really want to be facing a real dragon with a weapon that doesn't extend past your spitting range? don't think so. i might have to use the thirty four inch saber sword (which comes with a free stand if you call right now!) but it isn't designed to specifically slay dragons. so it looks like the balding, paunchy guy with the country drawl won't be getting my business today. nice try buddy. i saw through your hoax. dragon slayer indeed. sheesh. do i look stupid? what kind of real warrior buys his swords in bulk anyway?

what the hell is a gerund? i'm sitting here trying to re-learn the proper rules of grammar. or rather. learn. i remember just kind of winging grammar back in high school and emerging surprisingly unscathed. but i really have no idea what a gerund is, what proper punctuation is, what the difference between an independent clause and a dependent clause is. how do i properly use semi-colons or colons? what does it mean if i use dashes? as opposed to parentheses? are there annegatives i should know about now that i learned about appositives? do comma splices hurt? did you know that you can't underline and italicize at the same time? i didn't. i need to learn this stuff. or rather. i want to learn this stuff. i don't want to be become a grammar geek or anything. but to have any hope of a future, i'm gonna have to dig out the little brown book again.

top five reasons i'll never be on real world

i'm an asian male

i watch too much tv

i'm not controversial

or exciting

i don't yell or scream much



besides the obvious reason that i would never be picked out at a casting call

we're all cynics and romantics. sometimes more of one than the other. but ultimately, we perch in the middle, in a precarious balance. and as cynical romantics, we have peculiar views on marriage. we want marriage to be a certain way. a way dictated to us by fairy tales, pop songs and wedding vows. carried on generation after generation on the wings of little girls. but most of us don't believe marriages can achieve such heights. or maybe we do think marriages can achieve such heights. but we're too afraid to jump. or too hesitant to fly. because we see the divorce rates. we see real life "marriages". we see the foundations of love cracking left and right. and we complain. bitterly. but we hope too.



and we all play the game. because marriage is the sport of choice for twenty somethings. but marriage is not basketball. it should be. but it's not. it is not constant fluidity and grace. it is not daring flights of imagination. it is not an ordered chaos of feelings, emotions and impromptu symphonies. marriage isn't even football. with it's forty five seconds of dead air punctuated by the clash of two immovable titans-- resulting in instantaneous success or failure.



marriage. i realized. is baseball. baseball is your turn. and then mine. baseball is endless marathon games. devoid of time limits. baseball is sleepy summer days. and the heady mix of bright sun and fresh grass. baseball is waiting in the dugout. for your turn to bat. and then trying to get on base. all four of them at once if possible. so yes, baseball is dating too. baseball is not played three times a week. or once on sunday. but every day. and sometimes. there are doubleheaders. baseball is about being in it for the long haul. for the beauty of the little details that go unnoticed except by those who engage in it. or understand it. baseball is marriage. but here's the thing. i hate baseball.



for the record. dating is like soccer. lots of running around. followed by little to no scoring

Look. I found a site with another Tin Man. What the heck? Here is his "Why Tin Man?" in his about page.



First of all, it has a gay reference (he's a "friend of Dorothy").



Second, the Tin Man was way too hard on himself. He thought he had no heart -- he thought he was too cold and uncaring -- only to find out in the end that he'd had quite a big heart all along. I used to feel the same way about myself: I used to think I was too logical, too unemotional, with an impaired ability to feel. I eventually came to realize, however, that there is nothing wrong with being guided by my emotions, with following my heart. (Though ideally, there's a left-brain/right-brain balance.) I know that deep down, I've always been creative, with a keen sense of emotions; but deep down, I also resort to logic when the emotions get too confusing. I still could do a better job of toning down my logical side, but I've come a long way.



So that's why.



It appears he's a little ahead of me in the evolutionary tin man curve...

You feel like sometimes you can be too clever? Like do things in such a way that you only end up pinning your own foot down to the floor? I do this all the time. I try to alter the reality around me in such a way that I'm always satisfied and happy. And my batting percentage is pretty good. But sometimes you over think or over plan or become overly clever and everything that is supposed to happen. Doesn't.

posted by The Wizard



And you're left holding the short end of the stick?

posted by Tin Man



Exactly. And despite your plan hinging tenuously on five different variables, you still think you can win. But then you never do. It's frustrating.

posted by The Wizard



What can you really do about it though? I mean. If you don't try to be clever. Stuff will never work out.

posted by Tin Man



So I should keep on trying to change things so that I always win?

posted by The Wizard



"You miss every shot that you don't take."

posted by Tin Man



I hear that one alot. It seems like one of those truisms that I just refuse to follow. Even though I know it's right.

knee updates. because you care. or at least you pretend to. and that's close enough. i'm starting to get itchy. really itchy. i can't take off the ace bandages until tuesday. that's another three and a half days. what the hell am i gonna do? i can't scratch! and i just noticed that my entire left leg is yellow. at first i thought i was losing feeling in my foot or something but then i figured out that they put iodine on my leg. so that's why it's all ghastly and ghouly.



one important tip for future surgery goers. bring water. lots of it. i've never been so damn thirsty in my life. they gave me a paper cup of apple juice when i woke up. and then a cup of water. and then another. and then i asked for just one more. and as we started to drive away, i noticed again how thirsty i was. my tongue was sticking to my mouth. i was trying to talk but my mouth was just the sahara at high noon. i'm not sure if this is an after effect of not having an IV hooked up but,whatever the reason, bring water. lots of it. i used to run cross country in middle school and i can't recall being this thirsty. from a mouthful of juice and saliva to bone dry in no time flat.

the speed with which they knock you out with an anesthetic is truly astounding. one second they're telling you that you're about to pass out. and then you think about it. and then you're gone. when i woke up, i just felt some pain in my leg and extreme tiredness. i couldn't see (i had no contacts or glasses) so everything was fuzzy, adding to the disorientation. i kept on shivering and i couldn't stop. i also was overwhelmed by loving emotion. like i wanted to call everyone up and tell them that i loved them. i'm not sure if this was a side effect. but that feeling wore off before i could get to a phone. so nobody got a call. even though i love everyone anyways. i just couldn't mumble it to you in my stupor.



this whole surgery thing is not really as bad as one would imagine. it sucks to be immobilized but i'm used to crutching around and i'm used to having some pain. and i decided not to take the pain killers. mainly because a side effect might be constipation. and really. who wants to induce constipation willingly? the hospital gown they gave me was like twenty sizes too big. it's probably one size fits all so the sleeves have to fit an NFL lineman. and so my little body pretty much disappeared into a fluorescent wave of light blue. except for the back part of the gown, which was left open to flap in the breeze. and my hat was too large, so i'm sure much of it hung over my head like a big mushroom cloud. i really should of gotten a picture. it would of been humiliating. i have pictures of the insides of my knee. although putting them up might be a bit tacky.



the socks they give you to wear have little tread marks on the bottom. with some sticky rough stuff sewn on. it was actually quite cool. i felt like a big floppy blue cloud. held down by grippy soles. oh. they took out the meniscus. it was too beat up to repair. so i won't be recovering for too long. that's good news i suppose. i can't really say much else about surgery. except that i'm glad the american medical system is so advanced. everyone was incredibly nice and polite. they just know how to take care of you here. trying to imagine the complications that might arise from getting surgery in taiwan is too scary.

the only time i started to get a little nervous was when they were explaining the part about me getting put to sleep. i'd done it before for wisdom teeth, but suddenly it occured to me that i would be totally blacked out for two hours. and i wouldn't remember a thing. not that i would want to remember anything. but, i kept on thinking, "what happens if i don't wake up?" how weird would that be? and as i groggily woke up, i wondered if this is what it's like to pass out on alchohol and not remember anything. don't black out kids. it's bad for your sanity.

they're going into my knee in a little over six hours. i'll be asleep. and i'll wake up an hour later with a healthy knee. or at least a repaired one. i'm kind of hoping they just take the damn cartilage out so i don't have to be on crutches for six weeks. i'm not frightened at all. it's very ho-hum. probably because i've known about this surgery forever and ever. and i don't think there will be any pain. i think i was more scared for pulling out my wisdom teeth. all i remember from that experience is struggling to the car all woozy and stumbly. with a mouthful of bloody cotton balls. this can't be any worse.



i'm actually more upset that i'll miss out on star wars. however, if i can crutch around, we can use my condition to secure us good seats at a theatre. i remember the last time i went to watch a movie with crutches. it sucked. not the movie. the crutching around. because a hundred yards is a long way on crutches. i finally have a glimpse into a professional athlete's life. lots of doctors. lots of injuries. lots of surgeries. they must get so used to it. the constant pain and repair work they have to do during their careers.



apparently i may not be able to shower for a few days. so i'm gonna get bubblicious now and just try not to move much. so yeah, come visit me. i'll keep the windows open to ensure a light breeze. or maybe i'll just smell really good anyway. the doctor told me to put a "no" on my right knee. so they don't operate on the wrong one. i thought she was kidding. but i was afraid to ask. she didn't look like she was kidding. i guess doctor's probably don't kid much about this type of stuff. i'm trying to figure out if it makes more sense to write the "n-o" towards me or upside down to me. which way will they look at it? how best to ensure that they will see it? maybe i should just go with the french "non" so that it looks the same either way. i'm tempted to write it on my left knee. just to see if they can really mess something like this up. doctor's are supposed to be smart. why not help keep them on their toes? course, the slight chance of confusion probably isn't worth the curiosity.

to be back home is to be thrown into chaos again. i've been sleeping late. and i've been napping. and i've been waking up late. and i've been doing nothing. how quickly any rhythm i established in china shatters. i wake up feeling very tired but i insist that i'm not jet lagged. i sort of miss my chunks of time in china. this was work. this was basketball. this was computer time. here, the bed is within easy reach and i can mosey around doing anything i please. which pretty much amounts to nothing. i've tried to get myself to sit down at the computer and compose some thoughts but suddenly the outside world calls to me again.



i feel as if i've never left. like i've always been in san diego. that feeling of driving away from the airport and everything melting away as if in a dream. i love that. even with new york, when i stop to think about it. i lived there for a year and a half. but my time there seems very surreal. i think maybe i want to go back again. to visit.

"Promises mean everything

When you're little and the world is so big.

I just don't understand how

you can smile with all those tears in your eyes

when you tell me everything is wonderful now."

the first day back. and i had a really good mother's day. the plane ride was never ending because i could not sleep, despite my ownership of the entire twenty ninth row. perhaps my amazing "pass out anywhere" powers are fading. my one natural gift could be ditching me at the precise moment in time when i need it most. that would be horrendous.



anyhow. from LAX, we went to get some japanese food. which was delicious. and horribly expensive. with twenty US dollars, i could of fed ten grown men in china. but i do not think of these things. then, like good sons, me, james and victor drove down to san diego in time to eat dinner with our moms. all of our moms. james had the brilliant idea to buy food and cook for our moms and our families. and so we got salmon and asparagus and other odds and ends and we cooked. well, james cooked. i peeled potatoes. victor did a bit of everything. susan and pam made an ice cream cake. and susan washed the dishes while i watched thinking maybe i should do something. but i didn't. and through all of this, james was outside, braving the smoke. sacrificing the comfort of his eyes for our mothers. we served grilled salmon, asparagus, spinach salad, mashed potatoes and mother's day themed strawberries. needless to say, it was quite a successful little mother's day. usually i cop out and just go with the generic card and flowers but this year was different. and it was nice.

it's my last day here. i've been sitting in front of the computer for five hours. how fitting. everyone else is either sleeping or day trekking to beijing. leaving me with the whole second floor and all the power that naturally comes with it. mainly, just the ability to play really loud music. in english. so far i've copied about a hundred MP3s that my uncle might like to listen to while i'm gone. i've read about the celtics huge win. and followed along while the lakers got a huge win too. dammit. kobe's a punk but he's damn freakin' good.



i've read every last word on real worlder melissa's blog. oh yes. she has a blog. and so does her castmate, matt. so i've entered not just the world of random blogs, but the world of famous people blogs. it's quite invigorating to know that famous people blog too. the most interesting one i've found so far is gandalf/magneto himself. you should read it. most of his entries are done right around the end of x-men and run directly into the 18 months that was lord of the rings. how can you not love blogging?



i'm outta here. someone fun pick me up at LAX. noon. see you then.

here with a lifetime's worth of accumulated frame rate wisdom. the reason wheels on car commercial TV ads seem like they are spinning in reverse is because the camera only records at a certain (slower) frame rate. and so, the wheels aren't captured moving as they would in real life. so they appear to be spinning backwards.



TVs and computer monitors get that awful glowy flickering effect on camera because a computer shoots out images in rapid fire frames. we can't see the frame rate change but our eyes can. and since they are being constantly bombarded by flickering images (alternating between light and dark), they ache. forcing us to rub our eyes in frustration.



this is also the same reason that when you watch movies at home in complete darkness, your eyes will get tired. without another light source, the same flickering effect from the TV will cause our eyes to become irritated. this doesn't happen in movie theatres because film has a consistent frame rate flow. enabling us to watch a whole movie in complete darkness. and not hurt our eyes. the moral of the story: turn on another light source when you watch movies at home. it ruins the mood but in the long run, it saves you from a big headache two hours later.



some of these "facts" could be wrong. sue me.

A friend said in an e-mail to me that included the saying: the smart learn from their mistakes and the wise learn from the mistakes of others. Why I've never heard this particular axiom before I don't know, but I've been thinking about it. And trying to figure out if I'm closer to the wise man or the smart man.

posted by The Wizard



Or just stupid altogether.

posted by Tin Man



Exactly. But I'm gonna stick with figuring out if i'm wise or smart first. It's more flattering that way. I think I'm smart enough to be wise. Because I can observe the mistakes of others and learn through them. But at the same time, I like to stick my hand in the fire anyway. Maybe I think I won't make the same mistake they did. Egotism. I know. Part of me just has to try it to see for myself.

posted by The Wizard



Once again. Stupid. You know better, but yet you do it anyway.

posted by Tin Man



At least i know. So that makes me smart. I think.

posted by The Wizard



Go you.

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"

-thanks izzie-

today. six months ago. the carriage i've been riding in all my life suddenly shuddered to a halt. and the world suddenly took shape outside the confines of fine silk and soft pillows. the sun finally burnt directly into my eyes. and not filtered through the lenses my father provided. now, i feel like i have been given one last beautiful gift. a huge and wonderful horse. ready to take me charging down the road into the sunset. the horse is all saddled up and chomping at the bit. impatient. waiting for me to leap on. everyone else has their horses ready and they are encouraging me to ride with them. but i look around at the horses. and the sun. and the road. and i really just want to tell them to move on. ride on. take my horse. i'd rather walk. and find my own way.



i feel like a girl. looking down at the expectant man who loves me. and wondering if i love him back. and if i should say "yes" even if i'm not sure.



i feel overdramatic. because things are never as big as they seem. and things work out. always. even now, things are working out. but uncertain futures confuse me. as they should i suppose. six months move by really fast.



honesty.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

With the lights out, it's less dangerous

Here we are now, entertain us

I feel stupid, and contagious

Here we are now , entertain us

A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido,

Yeah



I'm worse at what I do best

And for that gift I feel blessed

Our little group has always been

And always will until the end

-nirvana-

to tackle the issue of "why i blog." actually. screw that. let's talk about "why you don't blog." because i think everyone should blog. because it's time consuming and thought provoking and one day you can show your children your little petty thoughts at their age. and laugh along with them. while blushing in slight embarassment. plus, we're all bored here. blog so we can read for an extra three minutes a day.



i read an article about blogging (yes, i read articles about blogging. lots of them in fact. which makes me. doubly bored) which mentioned that in a way, blogging is just a person, pared down to a mind. devoid of physicality and all that superficial stuff. not that i don't look at pictures. because i do. but in a way, this is the most direct way into someone's mind. and even if it's half tainted by public expression, it is still someone's words and thoughts.



not that everyone's blog is like this, but even from the mundane things that people blog about, you get a glimpse into them. i cruise the blognet all day long (which might push me to triply bored) and read about people who are totally different than anyone i might meet. people who blog, are essentially talking to themselves. and it's interesting to see what the hell they talk to themselves about. sometimes blogs are cathartic. sometimes they're humorous. sometimes they're freaky. sometimes they're inspiring. sometimes they're downright weird. sometimes they're boring. but in the blogging world (and on the internet in general i guess) everyone is faceless. if you've ever asked what it would be like if everyone had the same face and you could just see their innards, this is probably the closest we're gonna get to it for awhile. this is the anonymity of the web. without the child stalkers and potential shadiness of AIM. the article said that blogging was like peeling off the layers and just holding up the soul for display. while i doubt blogging is quite that, it does have a nice ring to it.





course, i have my picture up here so i'm a big ass hypocrite. but oh well.

top five songs that call to my inner girl

greatest love of all (whitney houston)

save the best for last (vanessa williams)

insensitive (jann arden)

hero (mariah carrey)

as i lay me down (sophie b hawkins)

I've realized recently that love is sacrifice. Love is unselfishness. Love is the greatest thing of all. Love is about caring more for others than you care about yourself. And all this is how i defined love a few years ago. But I've been trying (really hard) to change it. But I realize that I'm been trying to change something that is eternal. Which is impossible to do. Because love is proven. It's existence has been tested time and time again. What I am trying to find then, is an alternative. Not a re-definition. How this helps me. I don't know.

shanghai. less than advertised. before visiting shanghai, i was filled with glorious images of an asian metropolis like no other. clean streets, beautiful buildings, people wearing tight designer clothing, no stink greeting you at every corner. i was wrong. shanghai turned out to be a lot like taipei. a little cleaner. but not as modern as i anticipated. there is maybe a three mile stretch of shanghai that is full of glorious skyscrapers and cool architecture. but for the most part, shanghai was like any other big asian city i've visited. famous cities are kind of disappointing. i think now i understand the disappointment when people come to visit LA. they expect to see beautiful people on beautiful beaches. visions of movie stars probably dance invitingly before their eyes. and then they come and see the traffic. and the smog. and the traffic. again. and then they return to their original point of departure. clutching postcards and undeveloped rolls of film. so they can show their friends what a great time they had.



i kind of detest taking pictures at famous places. or of famous places. i think that's the purpose of pictures half the time. to show the people back home that, "here! in the distant background! it's the big HOLLYWOOD sign! can't you see it?" and then everyone oohs and aahs because you've been there. and they never realize that the picture was taken with twenty bums lined up behind you, waiting for you to drop a couple of quarters. we didn't take a single picture in shanghai. i have no proof i was ever there. maybe i wasn't. who knows?



however. shanghai is probably a great city to live in. the food here is remarkably cheap (even by china standards). the standard of living is high, the salaries are high, and everything from houses to clothing is cheap. i've already gone over my booty previously. and since then, i've added a few items more. (did you know a five series beemer costs about a hundred grand here? damn.) after a couple of you guys get out here, we'll compare notes. i had a really good week because of mr hsiao and everyone else, but in general, the city was a little disappointing. or maybe i'm just jaded. take your pick.

one more gripe. i detest going to touristy places. we went to a famous buddhist temple and since everyone was on vacation, half of china must of been there. it rained in the morning so my white pumas were getting sloshed with mud and the half billion chinese people pushing didn't help matters any. we kept on getting caught up in crowds of tour bus people, along with their guides. who tried to outscream each other. like opposing peppy cheerleaders. you should of seen the parking lot at the rest stop. it was the rome of tour bus cities. and everyone was waiting to use the bathroom. or just the nearby road. whichever one you felt was more sanitary.



there are only so many buddhas a man can see carved into rock, before they all start to look like a murderer's row of chubby granite faces. and imagine the stampede of people rushing to touch a certain monk's bed when it was announced that it had life elongating qualities. the sea of outreached hands (and sharp elbows) made it seem like britney spears was on that bed. naked.



i could really go on forever here. but i won't. we did go to a chinese garden which was pretty cool. the crowd was thin and the rocks there invoked lions. and so, the garden, loosely translated, was called "lion's garden." you lose so much in the translation. it's saddening to realize that i know nothing about chinese architecture. but yet i know about every other civilization's architecture. that might be a bit of an overstatement. but humour me. i can only appreciate the traditional sweep of chinese roofs so much before everything starts to blend together. and then i'm reduced to using trite words like. "nice" "pretty" "ummmm" instead of really understanding what i'm looking at. but i guess beauty should be appreciated. and not educated. although i get bored quickly with just the appreciation part.

i remember the first time i saw you. it was the first asian dance at the union. you were bopping up and down in the corner. with your friends. in a big circle. it seemed like you had rhythm. so i mentioned to heather that we should grab you for a dance. she said she knew you already.



i first saw you on stage. during the huaren fashion show. wearing a chinese outfit and matching fake ponytail hat. you were making the funniest damn faces i'd ever seen.



you wore a trademark v-neck t-shirt. and when you spoke. your voice rumbled. and you reminded me of dj theo.



you were forced to go up in front of ccf with je-yi and me. because we had september birthdays.



i tried to talk to you at the first huaren meeting my senior year. because you had big LA asian hair. and so i concluded you were probably from the west coast. you rebuffed any attempts at conversation.



you were playing a board game in my dorm room (taboo?) and laughing it up with everyone else. i covertly tried to figure out who you were and what the heck you were doing in our room. but greg and louis didn't seem to know you either.



i remember sitting at church fellowship, trying to figure out if you were kathy's ex-boyfriend that we had heard so much about.



my first coherent memory of you is at age three. in taijong. and you brought me slippers to put on my feet. because that's what little sisters do.



recalling the first time you met/saw someone is fun.

I went bowling once. And as I cringed watching the curious one bowl her "slow moving, yet strangely effective" balls for strikes and spares, I kept on saying things like "Holy Cow!" "Good Lord!" "Jee-sus Christ!" And I said all of this loudly. Because getting clobbered by your twin sister at any activity remotely resembling a sport elicits life threatening exclamations. However, I realized that a girl I liked at the time, started getting kind of upset with me. And because I liked her, I wanted to figure out why she was getting upset. My teenage mind couldn't come up with an answer. So finally, I got up the courage to ask her. Sister. The answer I received was that she was upset because I was using the Lord's name in vain.

posted by The Wizard



Good God! No way!

posted by Tin Man



Stop it. You're not funny. After that incident many years ago, I've tried to refrain from using any God related words in times of stress. I've replaced my "Jesus Christ's" and stuff with curse words so that I offend everyone. And not just Christians. But sometimes I forget. I'm trying to figure out why it's apparently hard wired into me. I can't figure out at what point "God" and "Christ" entered the verbal lexicon as words of frustration and astonishment.

posted by The Wizard



I can't really help you here. I don't have any answers. Do you feel bad when you forget and slip up?

posted by Tin Man



Well. Sort of. I mean, I don't want to offend anyone. But at the same time, it's something that everyone says. So it's not that horrible. It's like letting a curse word slip in church. It's not good. But it's not a crisis. I just try to not do it again.

posted by The Wizard



Do you think your Christian friends mind?

posted by Tin Man



I dunno. I've never asked.

i've been reviewed. and it's much better than the last one. bobby jo gave me a 4.5 out of 5. do the math. that's ninety percent. that's an "A-". with a slight curve that might even warrant an "A". whoa. the last time i got an "A" was what? sophmore year? who can remember these things? with grades like that i would of made it into b-school and become a financial success by now. instead i'm wondering if this is what it feels like to graduate college. well, really graduate. as opposed to buying a cap and gown and walking. just to get into pictures with your friends who didn't quit.



"i imagine he is the kind of person who doesn't rest a lot in order to not miss a minute."



apparently i don't come across as a lazy bum on the internet. there is hope yet. anyhow....thanks day lee!

question:

what is it that everybody has and some pirates and thieves try to take? da booty.



and here's mine: superman visor ($2) diesel canvas bag ($12) two buddha bracelets. one in white, one in jade ($10) fancy material for three pairs of pants ($15) labor wages for tailor to make really-cool-baggy-pants out of aforementioned fancy material ($30) khaki baggy pants ($8) three keychains destined for other people's keys ($1) avoiding the over-used punchline in every mastercard ad (priceless)



and the best of all. orange nike shox ($27). and i know they're authentic because we followed some guy through the dirty alleyways of shanghai into a little upstairs sneaker gallery. we had to enter with a secret knock (one knock followed by another knock. now you know) and we had to haggle forever. we had to walk back and forth between three secret shops and then leave each one in a huff, walk down the alley, wait until one of the "proprietors" aka "smugglers" came to drag us back in. and after many long anxious moments thinking we wouldn't get our shoes, we forked over the extra $5 we were negotiating for two hours over, and took off with three pairs of shox for $81.



all the above has been tallied in american dollars. multiply by eight to reach chinese yuan. i am a walking talking cultural resource.

Like, Sometimes...

sometimes silence is the loudest kind of noise

like/ sometimes it was best

when girls were girls

and boys were boys

like back when freeze tag/

was a mating dance

like back when 'do over'

meant you got another chance

like back when anxiety

was worrying if

Wonder Woman

would make it out alive

like back when/ freedom

was sliding backwards

on a slide

like back when success

was/ jumping

off a swing/

and landing on your feet

then/ doing it all again

[continue]



-bassey-

innerlife is going to end up in it's own category on the right over there...maybe as the card with poker rules and barcodes on it, the armpit of all poker decks.



i'm going to open up the floor at this point. if you have any requests, feel free to post them up in the comments section.

help keep innerlife alive for future generations to enjoy--do your part.

-bitchmagnet asian-